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50 Shades of Grey

50 Shades of Grey

How oh How can I not have written about 50 Shades of Grey yet? The Horror! Now unless you live under a rock you would have heard about this book series by now. Or the jokes that follow it… “I got banned from Exclusive Books the other day for moving the “Wet Floor” sign away from the 50 Shades of Grey section…”

Described as “Mommy Porn” for some bizarre reason of which I don’t understand because frankly I don’t think ejecting a child from your vagina should elicit it’s own genre of books and if it does, well then by God I want a genre for untainted vagina’s!

Our vagina’s have the right to read too!

Anyhoo, if you are a woman and have not read this book yet, then I’m afraid we’re going to have to vote you off the island.

This book series is like Mills and Boons but instead of throbbing members and flowering petals you have whips, chains and butt plugs. BUTT PLUGS people, it’s like the Encyclopedia Britannica, if the Encyclopedia Britannica was about Nipple clamps and all things Bondage-y!

Why are all women in the world becoming completely obsessed with this book? Well because it’s the absolute impossible scenario.  Shit like this doesn’t happen in the real world.

A man who takes charge! Chicks dig that. Unless you’re telling us to do dishes or make you a sandwich because well then fuckyouverymuch.

A Gorgeous, 27 year old Billionaire with mommy issues and a craving for a bit of slap and tickle, falls for a girl who worked in a hardware store and does absolutely everything in his power to get her including buying her an Audi R8, a wardrobe of designer clothes, flies her around in a helicopter, laptops, phones, oh yes and gives her the best orgasms she’s ever had. Ever. Everrrrrrrrrrrr.

Sounds awful.

And all he wants in return...? To spank her.

Boo fucking hoo Anastasia Steele.

Only in a book would this cause any woman to have an existential crisis.  Who am I? Do I mind being spanked? Should I walk away from all of this because he occasionally wants to stick something up my bottom?


Problems I have with this book and why it’s different to my life:

  • She’s a virgin.  It’s like spotting a unicorn with a rainbow coming out of it’s butt.
  • She doesn’t like to eat. No comment… here... hold my chips.
  • She says “Oh My…” a lot! Shut. The. Hell. Up. Yes he’s trying to stick metal bowling balls that vibrate up your hoo-hooo but really? Sacrifices!! It’s just like going to the gynae people, only difference is that he’s gorgeous, you know him, it feels good and he doesn’t tap you on the tummy and say “Let’s see what’s in my Christmas box!” (Incidentally, I no longer go to that gynae!)
  • She allows a man to spank her really hard, and then bursts into tears. Shamepies. If Dalekins had to attempt spanking me on the arse without my express permission I’d junk punch him so hard our great grandchildren would still have a slight indentation on their foreheads!
  • He ties her up with his best grey tie.  If Dalekins had to try tying me up with one of his best ties, I’d have to kill the proceedings immediately because being tied up with something that he got when he was 16 and still has batman on it just doesn’t do it for me. That… and I’d be all about the …"You better make these knots loose, and for the love of God you’re not tying the Winchester properly!! It’s round, round and through the hoop Dale!! Dale... DALE... where are you going... I'm still tied to the bed *hisssssssssssss*”

Otherwise this series is completely decadent, indulgent and a must read and will make you feel like you have kicked a bag of puppies when you finish it.

Unless that wouldn’t make you sad.

In which case… you sicko.

They’re making the movie now.  My vote goes for this Christian Grey!


RIP Little Scarlet