Who ate all the pies...
You know, someone should really warn you when you’re a kid to really appreciate the good things in life, and by good things, I mean being able to eat an entire bag of fizzers, 2 cakes, a bag of Flings and chug a steri stumpie like a homesick mole everyday and still manage to look like a string bean. I hate kids and their stupid fast metabolisms. And men too, with their stupid ability to eat all the pies and still stay the same weight… What. The. Fuck. Is. Up. With. That.
My problem is I like food. And food likes me. A lot.
Unfortunately for my sins, my parents bestowed upon me, hypothyroidism. Fabulous. Just another reason (besides my dodgy ape like toes) why they should never have bonked because not only do I now have a metabolism that is as fast as snails stampeding through peanut butter, but also the potential to have my ticker explode in my chest. At any time… (You should buy me lots of presents to prove you love me before I die suddenly. Go! - Coincidentally, this never works on Dalekins – I think it’s because he really wants me to die, I know this because at the movies on Sunday, he pretended to push me down the escalators, giggled hysterically and then asked if he was my main beneficiary on all my policies *frowns*)
Me: No sir, you are Not!! Yes he is.
So I asked Google to define: Hypothyroidism and have come to the conclusion that Google is a complete fucktard. (I really need to add “fucktard” to my Dictionary in Word, it keeps telling me I am spelling it wrong, and it would slot nicely under “fuckknuckle I think – No wait, it’s telling me Fuckknuckle is also not spelt correctly… What the Hell WORD, you are not the boss of me and you will not dictate how I spell shit! )
Abnormally low activity of the thyroid gland, resulting in retardation of growth and mental development.
Well number 1 Google you BITCH, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my mental development thankyouverymuch. Just because I am obscenely bad at puzzles and Tetris does not prove ANYTHING! Who the fuck plays Tetris anyways, that game was sent here by people who just want to watch the world burn!
I have many smartypant type talents, like... I am a Singstar queen! I can croon ABBA like no one else, and THAT takes some mental development let me tell you, because they’re Swedish (???) and it’s very hard getting their accents right in the songs… you try singing “Fernandoooooooo” clearly an Italian name, with a Swedish accent but in English people!
Annnd number 2! “retardation of growth” ?? more of an explosion of growth… around the buttocks area!
So you see… proper fucked I am.
Perfect. Weight gain, water retention and poor muscle tone. So much to look forward to. So I too can look like a stringbean one day, only the chubby limp one that you find in the back of your fridge after 6 months. (Fucksakes people, clean your fridges more often!)
It’s fucking annoying I’ll have you know. Because don’t get me wrong, yes I have a thyroid issue, but it’s not that that is making me fat, it’s all the fucking cake I eat…. And possibly the 50 brandies and coke I drink every weekend.
No, no, definitely just the cake.
I can only blame my thyroid for making it absolutely impossible to get the weight off in any normal span of time.
Orrrrrrrrrr I can blame the Universe. The fucking bitch… you cannot screw me forever because I drove over a bag of bunnies or some shit in my previous life. Why the fuck were they in a bag anyways? Who does that!
So I have decided because my exercise regime (yes, I DO have one, I box, and no I don’t mean I work for DHL) and eating good-ish during the week is not helping me lose weight , I am resorting to more extreme measures.
Liposuction. Only I cannot afford the regular variety, so I have decided to Google a lot (even though Google and I aren’t really talking anymore since it called me stupid and mentally retarded) and find out how to make my own lipo machine using household items.
There will be a vacuum cleaner and a tube from a fishtank in there somewhere I am sure.
Now I just need to convince Dalekins to punch me repeatedly on the butt until I have a lame arse and I’ll be good to go.
P.S Bit of a lame post. Stop whining! Here’s a picture of ginger pig to make you feel better.