It’s official, Dalekins and I just battle to be all sexy with each other if the environment is a bit… forced. Proving to me that we’d do really badly in a prison shower environment. Last night being Valentines day and if you read my previous post, you’d know that Dalekins and I were going to have a “carpet picnic”. The picnic part went down a treat!
He did champagne with raspberries, prawns with his own home made dip (oh behave!), fingers foods and to end off, Tiramisu! It was great!
But the absolute highlight of the night was that I potentially tore my foofy valve laughing harder than I can ever remember laughing before.
What a flipping hoot!
About two years ago, we bought this game called Monogamy, it’s like Monopoly but instead of Chance cards you have cards that make you do intimate things for each other. Some as simple as complimenting the person at least twice during the next week. Others are to plant a kiss on the cheek, or seductively eat something in front of your partner. Now the more times you go around the board, the more risqué (Absolutely RIDICULOUS) things become.
I should have known how this game was going to turn out, playing it with Dalekins when he landed on a block where he had to eat something seductively in front of me. Now I don’t quite know why eating things should turn people on, I get incredibly uncomfortable eating bananas in company because people always make eye contact with you… Normal people do not re-enact scenes from Fatal Attraction people… it’s awkward!
Oooooh I’m going to seductively bite into this cheeseburger, imagine me biting into your junk? WTF!
So anyhoo Dalekins picks up a raspberry, lobs it high in the air and after it hitting him in the eye twice, he finally caught it with his mouth open and then began to chew it like those people who have no teeth…
Dalekins: *wiggles eyebrows* Hot huh…?
Me: I’m never kissing you again.
This game just got more ridiculous as we moved around the board. Dalekins lands on a block entitled “Massage parlour”, and I’m groaning already because this would entail me having to get my arse up to do the massaging, yes yes I know we’re supposed to be all romantic but I’m not fucking 12 anymore, and I have been sitting on the carpet for an hour with my legs in a funny angle, my hydraulics doeth protest!
Dalekins: YE BABY!!! A sensual back massage you owe me! BOOM, that just happened!
Me: A sensual massage you say? Am I supposed to massage your back with my vagina!?
Dalekins: *goes on all fours and puts his hand up for a High 5!
Well that was me. Finished. I couldn’t even breath I was laughing so hard.
Dalekins: Tash, your tears are dripping on my back. It’s not sexy I’m not going to lie.
The evening kind of just ended after that because I just couldn’t control my giggles with every card I picked up after that. I think Dalekins and I missed the point of this game entirely. You be the judge, here are some of the things it suggested we do:
Undress your partner, go to the kitchen and get a box of Cornflakes. Now put the cornflakes on her breasts and on her “love cup” (yes they called it a love cup) and get to munching. You’ll never want bacon and eggs again. Really????
How awkward would that trip to hospital be to get a cornflake out of my husbands throat. “Well Doctor, he was eating his cereal out of my love cup and he just started choking”. Need I point out, there is nothing worth choking about on my love cup, it would be the cornflakes fault ok, let’s just be clear about that!
Want to get down and dirty? Go outside make a mud pit then lie naked in it with your partner and go for it! Now I can only assume what they meant by GO FOR IT, but I am assuming they have never met my 2 dogs who would think this was the funniest game ever and having a 40kg dog jump on your junk to join in on the game would be… unpleasant. Secondly, gravel in your poonani… just saying.
Take all the mirrors in your house and put them around your bedchamber (we have a bedchamber because we live in the 1800’s?), now you can watch yourself make love. That’s awesome, there is no way I am pulling all my mirrors off the walls to put them around the bed. A Hand mirror it will have to be, and good luck with getting a good angle with that thing. Small flashes of butt crack every now and again will do NOTHING for me I assure you. There it is! Now it’s gone! There it is! It’s like playing genital peek-a-boo.
Oh and my favourite one, the one that made Dalekins spit his champagne out in my face when he read it:
Pretend to be sex toy sales people. Invite all your friends over, once everyone has had a few drinks, get naked and then do a dual demonstration for them with your partner using the sex toys on each other. Then invite your friends to join in.
If the game is called “Monogamy” why are you trying to involve other people!?
Worst game ever. Twister and Olive oil it is next year.