Disclaimer: Numerous People have told me that maybe I should tone down the rudeness on my blog. I say BALLS TO THAT! What I will do is put a disclaimer on, so please find yourselves officially disclaimed for this post! So it’s Valentine’s Day! The day you’re supposed to sing praises about some fat baby that flies around naked and shoots people in the arse with the proverbial love… spear? That sounds dirty. And mildly disturbing…
No one should ever be shot in the arse with a love spear. Unless you’re flaming. In that case, you’re having a good day! Me on the other hand, dipped in the pool of heterosexuality I am, anything coming near my rear in the shape of something long and hard would only elicit a screeching “That’s my assssssssssssssss!” and an ultimate punch to your nuggets.
Anyhoo, so people have been asking me all morning what Dalekins and I have planned tonight? When I tell them we’re having a ‘carpet picnic”, they start grinning like idiots. We are literally going to be sitting on the floor eating finger foods and drinking some wine, so why is it that everyone starts wiggling their eyebrows and pelvic thrusting at me!
*looks up at sentence “carpet picnic and finger food”*
Sigh. Fine Whatever. I’ve got nothing.
Seriously though for some weird reason, everyone seems to think Dalekins and I are “that couple”. You know the ones. You’re worried about going to their house because you’re almost sure when you walk in the door you’ll be asked to put your car keys in a giant bowl and you’ll be asked to stir your drinks with dildos and you’ll be slipping on all the lube just randomly lying around!
The wife will sit next to you rubbing your leg and all you want to do is fling yourself on the floor in a mock epileptic fit ready to swallow your own tongue if need be!
I was literally asked by one of my colleagues today whether I was bringing out the big guns tonight, opening my cupboard pulling out the selection of whips, handcuffs and extra-large strap-ons, and told to make sure that I make Dalekins safe word something difficult to pronounce. Something in German perhaps.
(Just FYI Dalekins, I’ve chosen to rather go with Welsh, your safe word tonight is: Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch)
What about me screams kinky biatch I ask you?
Dalekins and I are perfectly normal with some kinks but seriously you will not hear “Spank me with your spatula baby!!” resonating from our house… You’re more likely to hear “Seriously are you going to keep your glasses on, you are NOT Clark Kent you know…” and “At least take your socks off!”
Too all the haters of Valentines Day, stop cutting out your ex lovers eyes from old photographs – You’re creepy, go out and cuddle a bunny or some shit. Get some joy in your life. Don’t make me whip you!!!
And to all of those who are heartbroken today and feel alone, chin up, come to my next party. FYI: Wrap your car keys in masking tape, it makes choosing more anonymous and wear your rubber undies!
And to my darling hubbykins! Happy Valentines Day!!!
P.S If you dont know what an ultimate Punch is: