So my mummy is a HUGE Vampire fan. I suspect latent “daddy issues” might be the cause but I am not clever enough to put the psychological explanation of this together so please don’t over think my reasoning. Besides, my mummy never met her dad, he passed away while she was in the womb so this could not possibly explain her “daddy issues” or how in the hell I tied that up with her love for all things dead and sparkly. Haaaaaaa bet you all feel bad for laughing at my mums love of vampires now huh!
Don’t laugh at my mom - I’ll cut you!
Yes. This post IS going to bounce all over the show because I have just had my first hit of caffeine in months and my brain is pinging around in my head like a pinball. No jokes about my brain being the SIZE of a pinball thankyouverymuch!
Anyhoo, where was I…
Ah yes. Twilight!
So I book tickets for a few of us ladies to go and watch the latest Twilight – Breaking Dawn. Yes I am vaguely embarrassed by this admission. But then I think of Jacob’s 8-pack and I get over it. But then I start to feel slightly like a peadophile. Damn you Hollywood!! *shakes fist*
Me: So I’ve booked us tickets to go watch Twilight
Sisterkins: Oh fuck no! I am NOT watching that shit!
Me: But mom wants to! (see how I lay the blame on mum)
Sisterkins: Fine, but you’re buying me TWO boxes of popcorn!
Me: What the fu…? Since when do we resort to extortion? What are we, the Gambino family? You be careful now missy, I have an Italian surname now, I can take you!
Sisterkins: AND I am NOT sitting next to mom!
Me: Why not?
Sisterkins: Because she makes that disgusting “sssssssssssssssssssssthhhhhhhhhhhhh” noise every time she sees one of those stupid sparkly vampires take their shirt off. It grosses me out!
Me: FINE! (Now I’m feeling nauseas because I’m imagining my mother and Edward in a tryst! Eeeergh dead puppies dead puppies!)
What a load of poop! I was fine until these wolves started talking to each other with their minds – while growling. Really? I can’t even do that pat your head while rubbing your stomach thing, but these beasts, who don’t even have opposable thumbs, can growl and be telepathic all at the same time?
Em… it is telepathic when you speak with your mind eh? Or is it when you set shit on fire with your mind, I can’t remember. Or is that Pyrotechnics? Fuck... they both have a "T" in okay!
And Why God why does Bella ALWAYS look so pained… she’s walking down the aisle biting her lip like she’s holding in a huge fart! The whole time while she was doing her “walk down”, I was thinking, just let it go lady for fuck sakes… blame it on the dog! (Twilight – Breaking Wind. Is that too lame? I can never tell!)
The only pleasure I got from this whole exercise was looking over at my mom every now and again (because yes, I too didn’t want to sit next to her and listen to her grossy gross sexy times noises every time she saw Edward or Jacob) and seeing the huge smile on her face because SHE absolutely loved it!
Love you mummy, even though you drag your daughters with you to what can be deemed as porn in your mind. You do realize that the one is dead and the other, an animal, and I am almost sure that is illegal in most countries!