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An Idiots Guide To Surviving PMS…

monsterDon’t be afraid men; this is not a blog about Maxi Pads with wings and things! I got into a conversation with a friend yesterday about PMS (as you do) and she was telling me how the previous week she had had a particularly bad bout of it. This all of a sudden explained why her head was turning round and around and around when I walked into her office last week and she was spewing some sort of mushy pea substance out of her mouth. I also could have sworn I heard her mumbling something about “jou ma se vissie” which for her was surprising. She’s very nice you see :) I left swiftly. I don’t like mushy peas.

Now see as women, we understand this little phenomenon (I call it “phenomenon”, anyone on the wrong side of it would call it something akin to the Holocaust – potatoes, potatossssss). So we can get together and laugh over all the dead bodies in our wake so to speak. Lets call them…Collateral damage a.k.a Anyone-stupid-enough-to-put-themselves-within-clawing-distance.

So I thought I would try and explain this to men. Seen as it is you poor souls who suffer the most. So a bit of a “How To Guide” on how to treat your women like a live grenade. Trust me. This will save your life…. Maybe.

So what isssssssssss PMS? I looked it up on Google so I could sound like a smart arse and I must say, I got strange results. Answers.com: “Do Cows have pms”… what the hell…? Who asked THAT?! Can you IMAGINE a Pre-menstrual cow…? “Mooooooooo” would be replaced with “Foooooooooooook youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu” and your milk I fear would taste like sweaty gym socks.

I digress. Another meaning: the practice of monitoring a pharmaceutical drug or device after it has been released on the market. Ok no, that wasn’t correct, it gave me results for “Post Marketing Surveillance”. But seen as I’ve written that sentence now, why bother deleting it. I’ll make it work dammit! Weeee *points at Pre-menstrual women* are the “device or the drug” and the market… well is the world. Not working? Fine. Fuckit. Lets move on shall we :)

PMS: a collection of physical, psychological and emotional symptoms related to a woman's menstrual cycle. So something like a hydrogen bomb with boobs and a bad attitude.

See now, when we are in the grips of a bad bout of PMS, we get enraged at pretty much anything and … everything. For no good reason either. Who needs a good reason DIPSHITS!! (Sorry… just trying to get you used to the language that usually gets used :)) Orrrrrr we want to cry all time, for no reason and you better be sensitive you boob!

For example: A delicate butterfly comes gliding past you. Isn’t it beautiful…? To you maybe. To me? *snatches butterfly clean out of mid air like a ninja and shovels it into my mouth* *chew* *swallow* it was getting in the way of my view of the stupid mother fucking (sorry kids) dry-cleaner who’s standing in front of me asking me to repeat my name (Are you fucking deaf!!!) “and who are YOU to be asking me if I want starch!! Go back to your country you arsehole!!”

“Ma’am… I’m from Benoni…”

“Well fuck… that makes sense then doesn’t it….” *lets go of his shirt*

“Just do my laundry!! damn you and your family to HELLLLLLLLLL!!!”

Now... if you come across this with your woman… and trust me you’ll know because there will be lots of heavy breathing, bloodshot eyeballs and spittle flying out of her mouth. Two Things. 1) Back away very slowly with a smile on your face. 2) Agree with her (The words “Did you see how that shmuck was deliberately trying to taunt you with his stupid little dry cleaner eyes” will help). Then go back to the Dry cleaner (after escorting sweetums to the car), ask him to please stop dialling 10111 and pay him R500 for his silence. A slush fund for these kinds of times is essential.

Or this could go the other way…

For example: A delicate butterfly comes gliding past you. Isn’t it beautiful…? *starts to sniffle* So beautiful…. *Sobs* I used to have a butterflyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy when I was a kid *full on crying now* and then *hiccup* it diedddddddddddddd *begins to wail* Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy God whyyyyyyyy does everything have to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee *hiccup* You don’t love meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

Now it is in fact this type that you should fear the most! Because this one turns swiftly into the enraged version if your reaction to her AGONY is not the correct one.

NEVER laugh at her ridiculousness. You will die. It will be painful. It will involve a nail clipper. And possibly your testicles.

NEVER say “what’s the matter sweetie?”. She just told you you moron (cue enraged reaction)

The best possible reaction here would be once again: Back away a little bit (for safety sake – she may decide to maul you anyway). Agree with her. Some tears here on your part to show your agreement always do good (always carry a small vat of Vic’s Vapour Rub with you, spunk a bit in your eye and Bobs your uncle!)

If you STILL do not make it out of this experience without a visit to the Emergency room. Well then, I am sorry I cannot help you.

But I leave you with this…. There have been cases in court where women have gotten away with murder because they commited it while suffering from PMS. Just saying. Use it, don’t use it.

Ladies… I find a good murder weapon to be the trusty leg of lamb. Gives a good wallop! …and you can eat the evidence afterwards.

Valentine Nazi's

A Letter to my sixteen-year-old self.