Vajazzled - Not for sensitive pansies!
So I have been wondering. Why have women become so obsessed with dressing up their vagina’s? I mean, chicks are going to A LOT of effort these days to make an already COOL contraption look all glammed up! (Or shall I say Clammed up - sorry that was a cheap shot) :) Now personally I prefer mine to NOT look like a Tranny in full drag. Clean shaven…. Simple. Not Va-JAZZLED and looking like something Dolly Parton would wear on her jacket!
Now lad’s I’m going to help you out here and explain what the hell I’m banging on about, not only so you can understand and get some insight into the inner workings of the average “bonnet” but also so that you know what to ask for when your better half leans over you seductively and asks you “So baby, anything special you want me to get done at the beautician today?” *wiggles eyebrows*
Ha Ha Ha! Sorry, I have to laugh because sadly that only happens in porno’s. Usually it’s more of a begging and pleading from the man!
“Honey please… sort that region out a little, I feel like I’m going to war every time I go down there!
A war where you get your teeth flossed instead of your arse shot to shit you ungrateful bugger!
Now let me remind you of the pain and torture most women go through for you! A lot of this grooming entails us pouring HOT MOLTEN LAVA WAX over our Qwuackies and then having the aforementioned HOT MOLTEN LAVA WAX RIPPED off us to ensure that YOU have something pretty to look at.
There’s the Brazillian – This entails having HOT MOLTEN WAX dropped over your entire crotchal area *waves hand around from below belly button down through legs to bum region* Yep alllll of that, leaving only something beauticians refer to as a “landing strip”. This is more of a directional arrow if you ask me - for those women who have to send their significant other in the right direction without the annoying GPS lady whining “You have reached your final destination”!
The Hollywood - This entails having HOT MOLTEN WAX dropped over your entire crotchal area (including that little bit between your bum and your hoofnanny), leaving NO landing strip. For you boys who know where you’re going.
Now again men I will point out the pain, agony and torture a lot of us have gone through doing this ridiculous thing for you. You see once you’ve had your vagina crispy fried, you can opt to NOT use HOT MOLTEN Lava, but also go the hair removal cream route. Now I know from experience this is a dangerous procedure on its own. Your bits are sensitive, and the removal creams specifically say they are NOT to be used on sensitive areas like, underarms… knuckles etc. It does NOT blatantly say Do NOT put this on your VAGINA as you may NEVER be able to cross your legs again. HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! It BURNS USSSSSSSSS *fans fast with hands while running for the freezer to sit on a bag of frozen peas*
Not to mention the hand shaver route – no really I’m not going to mention this route at all due to an unfortunate “It’-getting-caught-up-in-my-junk” incident.
And now we have my favourite – VAJAZZLING - (Designed entirely by Liberace himself I am sure) is the art of sticking (with glue) jewels and glitter all over your moomfie to make it look like… well a disco ball is all I can think of.
All of this trouble and what do we get in return ladies….? A Lifelong supply of Dental floss.
(In the spirit of the RWC 2011, I have a friend who has said she will Vajazzle her bits with a Springbok - Come on ladies... I am throwing down the gauntlet here! CHALLENGE Men you can take part too - photos or it never happened!)