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Welcome to my blog. Brb... I'm making memories (read as: Wine. I'm going to get some wine...)

Fiji Vs SA

Tomorrow we’ll all be waking up before sparrows fart (that’s 8am to all you non ornithologist types) to watch Fiji (Pronounced Fee-Geeeeeeee) Vs South Africa! Now if you’re not waking up to watch your country play, I ask you “My donder Waar is jou GEES??” which roughly translated into English means “My Thunder Where are your GEESE / Where be your spirit bitches!?” So, some background on Fee-Geeee so we can all sound like smartarsey plonkas when we’re yelling at the Tv tomorrow:

Fee-Gee is an archipelago made up of 332 Islands. So from that we can deduce, because we’re judgmental that way, that all Fee-Geee’ans wear flip flops, smell like coconut oil, like Pina Colada’s and getting caught in the rain.

To greet a Fee-Geee’an you use the word “Bula” which means “Hello”. However English is spoken on the island making it a lot easier for the Boks to abuse them tomorrow.

Bakkies: “Bulaaaa, I be da one ripping your spine out of da top of your head today before I take a kak down your throat… oh and Good Luck” *pats back* (Don’t quite know how I managed to make him sound like Arnold Schwarzenegger but let’s run with it).

Now comes the worrying bit! Fee-Gee’ans used to have an “Eat your enemy” policy. In 1867 a Reverend Baker came to Fee-Gee to convert them all to Christianity and made the mistake of touching the Chiefs head.  So they ate him. Whole. His boot is on display in a Fee-Geee’an museum today still covered in teeth marks.

I think this raises a security concern for tomorrow.  Will the team be frisked for cutlery?

Ok so lets get serious for a minute. Have you actually SEEN the Fiji Rugby squad.  These boys are fuck off huge.  They all look like they’ve been stung by bees and have been breastfed by water buffalo!! What is UP with that!!

This!

Does NOT look like this:

I think we may be in some serious poop here and I’m rating tomorrow’s game a big 7/10 on how likely we are to die and how deep in the shit we may just be! I suspect at some stage one of our players is going to get that face when we realize what a good team we are actually up against.  You know… the “when your finger slips through the toilet paper face”

On a lighter note, some key sentences for you to shout out tomorrow so you sound like a smartypants:

“Oooh I wonder how Bakkies is going to hold up after his injury!! I think they brought him in too soon!”

"Dangerous Tackle REF!!! Send him offfff!!" (make sure some spittle flies from your mouth here)

“Lets see how Pat Lambie handles the pressure!”

Oh and FYI Ladies, THIS is Pat Lambie:

Not This:

And ofcourse…

“Go Bokke!!!”

The Haka

Rugby For Dummies