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Rugby For Dummies

So, the Rugby World Cup is here again.  The time when your male counterparts sit like Zombies, drewling and growling at you when you come within a 30cm radius of the tv remote. The time where a perfectly mild mannered man, who goes to church every Sunday and gives you stern looks when you use the word “arse” will become a Tourettes sufferer and punctuate the air with violent rants of “BALL SWEAT” and “You FCKING MORON that’s a FORWARD PASS!  Do you want me to come over there and rip your GUTS OUT!!” I have no clue how the game of rugby works, I know only the basics.  A group of guys run around chasing a leather bladder type ball, grab each other’s sweaty bums and balls, wrestle and occasionally beat the crap out of each other! I also have a little trick which scores me major kudo’s when in the company of men and watching rugby, and funnily enough, none of them ever cotton on.  All you do ladies is SCREAM out whatever they put in that little red box at the bottom right of the screen and look really angry when you’re doing it! For example:

Me: “He didn’t come through the gate you FREAKING IDIOT!!! What kind of a game are you PLAYING you sheep shagger!!!”

Instant respectful looks! And then quickly vacate the room and go get beers incase they wish to “discuss” this gate travesty.

Why they have to come through a gate… when there is clearly no gate to be seen anywhere I have no idea, but… bygones!

So anyways, last night I say to Dalekins: "DALEKINS, teach me RUGBY!"

Dalekins: "Oooooh I just happen to have a lovely little 60MB PDF file for you with all the rules!"

*goes glassy eyed*

Sooooo I have put together the basics for you to help you remain sane!

So Rugby, 2 teams, 15 players.  Some are Forwards, some are Backs… some are… Bryan Habana.

Shoosh, he’s my hero.  Feet like a dancer, defense has no answer, his name is Bryan Bryan Habanaaaaaaaaa. *sings**cough* Where was I…

So the teams can score in 4 ways:

A Try – The big oke runs with the ball like he has a lit piece of toilet paper up his bum, and dives over the line at the end of the field.  This will give you 5 Points.

A Conversion – this is what they do AFTER a Try, a kicker… the shwingy Morne Stein for example, will first lick his lips… no I don’t know why they all do that – I suspect nothing to do with rugby and more likely something to do with a chapstick addiction. And then will kick the ball through the posts (The big white things that look like an “H”). WAIT for the flags to go up first before you cheer here because I can never really tell whether it’s gone over or not and ALWAYS end up making a tottie of myself.  This will score you 2 Points.

A Penalty Kick – this is when one oke thumps another oke or does something wrong.  The team gets to kick from where the offense took place – a kick over the big “H” will score you 3 Points

Drop goal – this is where someone kicks the ball by dropping it onto his foot from anywhere and it goes through the big “H” – will also score you 3 points

So that’s how you score, easy peasy eh!

A Line-out - this is how they restart the game when the ball has been kicked out. I think.  Its when the 2 teams line up like a chorus line, one guy throws the ball in and then someone from the guys team gets lifted up by a team mate exactly like a scene out of swan lake, but with more sweaty testicles.  He catches it and they all haul ass to try and score.

Scrum – also another way to restart the game.  This ones my favourite.  You’ve all heard the “Crouch, Touch, Pause, Engage” and then they bash into each other like gorillas and try get the ball out.  So Sweaty… it’s too gross.

Tackle – to THUMP the guy with the ball and make him see stars! You may not grab someone around the throat, this is a high tackle and makes people cross! Another thing you can yell out to look cool though “High Tackle REF!!!”

Remember the ball can only be passed backwards or sideways . If it’s passed forwards, this is where you get to sound like the SHIT and yell out “Forward pass fucknut!!!”

So that’s the basics and enough to get you through!

Oh and ladies, just a piece of advice: NEVER EVER utter the words… “Ooooooooh how HOT is Daniel Carter – I wouldn’t kick HIM out of bed for farting!”… it will only end badly.

Fiji Vs SA

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