Date Night Shenanigans
I just remembered a funny story from last night that I thought I would share with you – and yes be warned if you’re a colleague or a family member you may want to poke your minds eye out after reading this, or not be able to look me in the eye when you pass me in the corridor…. But I am strangely okay with this! So yesterday Dale says to me it’s high time we have a date night! Seen as the last 3 weeks have been filled with coming home and looking after 2 puppies – feeding, picking up mountains of poo, making hot water bottles (yes they’re spoilt brats – we’ll see who laughs last when they love me so much and you come to my house and make me narfy and they eat your face off for being nasty to their mommy!)
So date night! Yay for me!
Dale tells me to go imbibe in a few glasses of Chardonnay with mummykins while he gets all the “stuff” ready for me.
Stuff ready for me?
I’m having visuals of walking into a candle-lit house with Dalekins wearing a gimp mask riding a mini horse around the lounge yelling giddy-up and pointing to the Cow-girl outfit lying over the couch for me to put on.
So anyway thank God I have a sane husband, and not the warped weird arsed version of him that I make up in my head after a few tequilas!
I walk in, am led to a hot bubble bath with candles everywhere, music playing, and a glass of chilly bubbly brought to me. Stunning. I’m thinking, it’s all so beautiful, he’s gone to so much trouble… *wide eyes* *gasp* He’s finally going to ask me to try bum sex! *gulps down glass of champagne* (Ok serious note – if that didn’t make some sort of liquid come out of someone’s nose then I am filled with too much of sadness right now).
Anyhoo, so after my awesome bath and champagne consumption, Dalekins walks in holding up a gorgeous little pink “number” for me to put on. Which I do. Yes, we are a healthy married couple and not all bumping of uglies is done in flannel Winnie the Pooh pyjamas, I too can BRING IT like Pamela Anderson sometimes.
So I put it on and he leads me to our spare bedroom for dinner – oh behave, it was real food. He blindfolds me and goes on to feed me all of my favourite things! First mouthful was cherries, second, prawns and dip, 3rd was sour sweets, fourth was churico… you get the meaning, it was interesting eating! Very romantic and all and all..
So there I am in my sexy lingerie lazing over the bed (with my blindfold still on) holding onto my champagne glass when Dalekins turns around, and I choose this moment, Ladies, you’ll recognize this maneuver as the “boob shake and lift” to make them look “perkier”. Now one hand is holding champagne, so I heave myself up, do the aforementioned jiggle, happy with the effects, don’t realize that while I was heaving and Ho-ing I shifted just 5 inches closer to the edge of the bed – which remember I couldn’t see because I was BLIND. I decide to laze on my one elbow again… hair flicked back, mouth pouting all sexy like, I’m looking the shizz-nizz, and as I “lie down” on my arm which I assume is going to touch the mattress, well, it didn’t… I proceeded to DONDER right off the edge of the bed into that small space in between the bed and the bedside table… yes I slotted right in there, folded entirely in HALF – arse and legs in the air, and brained myself on the table but STILL holding my champagne in my hand… not a drop wasted… Dalekins had to come and extricate me I was wedged in there so tight!
Dalekins - pissing himself laughing.
Head – bruised.
Sex appeal – maybe another day when I feel like less of a TOOL!