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Fred & Ginger

Fred & Ginger

So after some deliberation, Dalekins and I have decided to do a few dance lessons for our first dance at the wedding.  Now let me just point out here, I *points at me* am the innocent victim here! I didn’t WANT to do dance lessons; I just wanted to jiggle my hips a little. We are not normally that touchy feely  couple who dance-and-look-deep-into-each-other’s-eyes-to-shmoozy *vomit in mouth a little* type songs on a good day! We are more the Butt-slap, do the “Sprinkla” and throw gangsta hand signs type dancing couple! So why pretend I say…?

Me: “Dalekins, I don’t want to look like a performing monkey!”

Dalekins: “Yes… but I don’t want to look like a frog in a blender”

Me: *sigh* “finnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnne…”

So we find some guy in Pretoria who offers dance lessons for wedding couples.  So off we go.

Now first of all, any guy who greets you, and immediately lowers his head to my chest level to read what my t-shirt says with his face 5 cm’s from my boobs creeps me the fuck out.

*looks at Dalekins with that “I feel like I’m being violated” face*

Dance Instructor:  “So…. Let’s hear your song choice”

*puts cd in* *song begins to play*

*dance instructor starts to frown*

*Dalekins and I start to frown AT dance instructor*

*frowns deepen*

Dance Instructor: “Hmmm, this is difficult, this song is very hard…. Why didn’t you guys just go for a nice “slow” DEATH METAL song rather” *kackle*

Me: “Oh HAHAHAHAHA” *stops laughing* “Sarcasm from “the help”… isn’t that sweet”

Ok fine wotevs, I didn’t say that, but I was thinking it!

Dance Instructor: “Do you have a second choice”

*skips song to second choice*

Dance Instructor: “OOooooh again, a hard one….nope no conventional dance is going to work here”

Damn, and here I was, hoping he’d choreograph some easy steps from the Bolshoi Ballet for us because Dale and I are DEFINITELY going to remember that after 5 Jeagermeisters…

Dance Instructor: “I think we’re going to have to do something…. Contemporary” *looks us up and down* “I like a challenge”

What the HELL is that supposed to meeeeeeean!!! God help us!

Now this is where he kind of lost me… Dale and I regularly sit on the couch watching “So you think you can dance” and pee ourselves laughing at all the people who come out and do any form of a “contemporary” dance.  It usually involves flowy fabrics, men in lycra, jumps and kicks, and expressions like they just want the show to end so they can go home and cut themselves! You know… that airy fairy bollocks…

*Dance Instructor pulls me towards him, looks me dead in the eye (with a “I wish your boobs would stop staring at my eyes kind of look) and licks his lips*


Dance Instructor: “Lets see what you can do…!” *licks his lips again*

*yanks out of his wriggly arms* *walks up to Dalekins* *pats him on the back with a shit eating grin on my face*

Me: “You’re up Dalekins… go dance like you mean it!” *shakes jazz hands*

So watch this space…. We’ll either have an awesome dance… or look like frogs in a blender (in lycra)…

The Chronicles of Zeus: The end.

To blow, or not to blow chunks....