Preparing for Splitsville!
There is nothing more unromantic in the whole wedding planning process, than drawing up your ante nuptial contract. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not having an absolute ball ensuring that aunty Margaret with the Tourettes syndrome, is seated far enough away from Uncle John, the bible bashing second cousin twice removed, so that her erratic outbursts of “Ball sweat shitarseface!” don’t offend and illicit a rant of biblical proportions over our starters. But sitting across from each other debating how badly we would screw each other over should we divorce was a serious buzzkill I must say.
The conversation starts off nicely enough. We are both intelligent adults who understand that having a contract like this, is merely a pre-caution but essential, like putting your seatbelt on before you drive. You can’t relate to the situation right now, but you can prepare should things go really tits up, and hope and pray that your “seatbelt” isn’t the thing that ends your very existence at the end of the day.
We had a good friend doing our contract with us. Her advice? Think like you hate each other. Right. Remember when you’re at the stage of divorcing each other there are no fluffy bunnies, hopes or dreams of the future, only an end, and one of you has ultimately started the process of ending the future you believed you would have.
So it starts off civil… we don’t want each other’s debt. We split everything 50/50. Nice ok, this is easy.
Right, onto Donations...like for example, my wedding and engagement ring.
Dalekins: “No screw that! I am not donating that, it gets evaluated and split up”
Me: “…but…but… it’s my wedding ring!”
Dalekins: “Yes, but imagine it this way, you’ve just bought me an Aston Martin which you “donated” to me, I cheat on you and ride off into the sunset with my new wife in the car you bought!”
Me: “What the fuck, why are you cheating on me!!!”
Dalekins: “Just saying…”
Me: “…dick…blender…no sewing that thing back on again... JUST SAYING!” *glowy eyes*
Dalekins: *swallows* “Fair enough…”
Me: *mumbles about chopping a Playstation into bits*
Dalekins: “Now hold on a minute! It's one thing to chop off my penis but a whole other thing to touch my Playstation! I’m taking the cat in that case!”
Me: “Oh no you’re not!
Dalekins: *stands in crouching tiger pose* “Oh you just watch me! If I can’t have him we’ll chop him in half and share him”
*Zeus high-tails it out the front door*
Me: “What the fuck?! I feel like I’m in a bible story!”
So anyhoo, all things hashed out and unpleasantness over and planned for.
But I am sure it is because of this very ordeal we had to go through that made me dream that Dalekins came to me and showed me this beautiful ring that he had bought for a woman he works with, and telling me how he was going to make her his second wife, but not to worry, I would still be his main “squeezaaa”.
*punches Dalekins hard on the arm*
Dalekins: *opens sleepy eyes* “What the hellllllllllllllllll…..* *rubs dead arm*
Me: “You polygamous bastard!”
*throws pillow at his head and stomps out of bedroom*