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Don't Touch me on my New Years Resolution!

Another year has seen its bum. Resolutions achieved? Nil.  Resolutions are after all like deadlines… I love the whizzing noise they make as they go flying by. Way too much pressure.

See, we all tend to do the same thing when the 1st day of a New Year looms ahead.  Think of all the shitty things we did during the year and promise to be better.  Promise to be stronger, skinnier, and funnier, less mean… a better person… as a matter of fact, next year they’ll give me the Nobel Peace prize for blatant AWESOMENESS! That’s just how daddy cool I’m going to be…  What a load of HOOEY!

And they’re always the same unattainable resolutions:

I will lose weight, and will never finish a whole jumbo bag of Tumbles in one go ever again. They give you chipmunk cheeks when you shove them all in there at the same time anyways, and well, then they give you actual chipmunk cheeks when the chocolate hits your arse and you have forgotten to drink a Coke Zero (to cancel out the calories).  Sound familiar? Yeppppp, that’ll last about, hmmm 2 weeks? Until your stomach revolts and declares MUTINY if you have to shove just one more stick of celery up your bum (because your mouth gave up opening to allow that malarkey in ages ago). Then you’ll eat all the stuff that tastes like a little angel poo’ed on your tongue again but ultimately is incredibly bad for you, and you’ll end up staying exactly the same.  The only hope for this resolution is numerous bouts of stomach flu and/or food poisoning.  I suggest regularly licking the toilet seat at your local petrol station rest room.

I will stop drinking. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA Ok no wait – no one in their right minds actually MAKES this resolution when they’re sober. Unless you have gone lost your mind completely and have taken to mainlining Heroin straight into your “crotchal” area and booze makes you shake like an awesome gynecologist, which in turn makes you keep JABBING yourself in the nuggets.  Then, giving up booze may be a good idea for you. Why oh why Delilah would you want to stop drinking.  Really.  It makes us all seem… prettier.

I am going to save money this year. OhmyGodohmyGod a travel special to Uzbekhistan! We need only sell our first born to the Nike factory in India after maxing our credit cards to go! Let’s do this – I have ALWAYS wanted to eat yak fat around a fire with only Llamas to keep me company!!  Nuff said.  Aint gonna happen, unless you’re earning a horrendously huge salary, and in which case my cell number is…555-I-Hate-You.

I am going to run the Comrades this year! Wow.  Someone’s been sitting a little too close to the open glue pot.  I think I pulled a fat laughing at that one.

I am going to stop swearing.  Fuck that. Considering that the best word invented, EVER is “fuck” and it features approximately 5 times in every conversation I have, it just cannot be done.  I’m sorry.  Admit it, how bored would you be talking to me and our conversation never again included the words “fuckknuckle” and “Oh fuckydoo”.

I will stop imagining pushing small obnoxious children down escalators, popping their balloons and smacking their ice-creams out of their hands. And I will start DOING it.  Now this one has definite potential and is totally do-able.  Run fast.  I hear the shopping mall guards have taken to carrying Shark-bang sticks around with them.

Either way, we shouldn’t put this pressure on ourselves with these unattainable goals, it only leads to bouts of guilt and makes us feel worthless.  But if you decide to go the New Year’s Resolution route… don’t tell ANYONE.  They will only point and laugh when they ask you a year down the line if you ever did that thing you wanted to do this year… what was it again? Oh yes… climb Mount Everest with nothing but a midget on your back to feed you jelly tots while you hike…

Throw me a freaking bone...

Christmas HELL

Christmas HELL