I have found hell.
It is in the guise of Menlyn shopping centre around Christmas time. It is where good people’s sanity goes to die!
There are not many things I hate more than going Christmas shopping at Menlyn. World hunger… that mustard that stains your mouth for a week, people who crop dust on escalators (crop-dusting: fart on a moving mode of transport leaving the fog to gently waft to everyone standing behind you) … yep… that’s about all that stands in front of Christmas shopping for me.
So it’s after much disgust at not finding adequate Christmas presents for Dalekins at any other shopping centre and after realizing that my very VERY last option of making a noodle photo frame for him would be met with much sulkiness that I broke into a sweat and realized with that sick feeling in my stomach. I’m going to have to go to Menlyn *much dry retching and vomiting in my mouth a little*
So off I went yesterday at lunch time – cold turkey – (did you know that you cannot just buy Valium over the counter at Clicks? What the fuck! Madness!)
*walks in to shopping centre*
*takes deep breaths*
*flexes biceps and adopts the CROUCH – TOUCH – PAUSE – ENGAGE position*
*puts really mean don’t fuck with me today face as I have a can of pepper spray in my bag and I will mace you in the face …. Face*
I am immediately met with … and we all know these well… the slow walkers… well they actually tend to waddle if I have to be pedantic about it, they’re the ones that bring their entire families and then they spread themselves evenly across the entire passage and the one slightly in front of the next so even if you get around one, the next one is laying in wait for you to… um… slow down?… my question is, why the HELL are you here? This is not the Guggenheim, go into a shop and buy something but either way get the hell out of my wayyyy!
Once you have safely navigated these you are immediately met with the next obstacle, the direction changers… they’re the ones who will be walking at a good speed in front of you and you think you have met a kindred spirit, you’re walking in their slip stream, things are looking good, the angelic light of the shop you’re looking for is mere meters away from you when WHAM you’re boob bumping right into them as they have stopped dead and decided that oh wait, I’m on the completely wrong side of the shopping centre and need to do a drastic about-turn to get the hell out of Dodge.. *sigh*
*eye starts to twitch*
*takes mace out of bag*
So I am svitzing like a whore in church by now, am severely irritated and contemplating pushing the next crying toddler down the stairs after having been in and I shit you not at least 20 shops looking for a Size 10 pair of sneakers for Dalekins ( NO ONE stocks size 10), when I spot the nicest pair in Soviet. So in I go, I have a good feeling about this place… luck is shining down on me. Luck, and I am running out of time, I need to get back to work so if they don’t have what I’m looking for, Dalekins is getting a fridge magnet that I am going to STEAL off their counter top.
*picks up pretty sneaker*
*credit card starts to vibrate in fear*
*shop assistant approaches with a big shit eating grin on her face*
Me: “I’d like this in a size 10 please”
Shop assistant: *with a snicker* “Hahahaha – oh no we don’t stock size 10’s… the biggest we have in this shop is a size 8”
Me: *violent eye twitching* *slaps hand over eye*
Me: “You don’t stock anything bigger than a size 8… are you shitting me?”
Shop assistant: “Nope hehehehe”
Me: “What fucking man wears a size 8 for Gods sake!! Is this a shop for midgets? Are we in Toys-R-Us??”
*stomps out yelling “Jou ma se vissie &^%$%##%&%&%&$^##@”*
*walks into another promising shop* this is my last try….*
*picks up awesome sneaker*
*credit card vibrates in fear*
*shop assistant approaches*
Me: “Can I have this in a size 10 please…” *demonic voice*
Shop assistant: “Oh no we don’t have that in a 10, we have a 9 though”
Me: “I’ll take it!”
*stomps out mumbling that I need to remember to buy a hacksaw, bandages and some surgical spirits for Dalekins*
…. Oh you’ll be a size 9 soon my pretty…. Soon… *eye twitch*