Well hello there...

Welcome to my blog. Brb... I'm making memories (read as: Wine. I'm going to get some wine...)

Can I offer you a little cheese with your whinnnnnnne?

I have a question. Just because I’m feeling quite narfy today and feel like picking on people ;) What makes one person eternally positive, and so smiley that you OFTEN want to smack the stupid “I-love-life” grin right off their faces (or is it just me?), and then our grim little neighbour, the negative “woe-is-me-nobody-loves-me-I’m-gonna-eat-some-worms” type of person? Because to be honest both types tend to annoy the crap out of me!

I like to think of myself as more of a fence-sitter. Happy and positive when things are going my way. Narfy as all feck when it’s not!

I just don’t understand people who are able to be just one way their whole lives. So… I’m gonna blame our mums!

If you’re one of those positive people who can find something good out of everything bad, well you were clearly grain fed and organically grown. Planned pregnancy (no shtooping at the drive-in for your parents), your mum ate all her veggies and took regular walks in the sunshine and played Beethoven to you and breastfed you until you were 12. That is the ONLY reasoning I can come up with for someone who can be happy and smiley and see the good through the bad in EVERY situation.

Me: “Oh my God I have lost my leg in a chainsaw juggling accident”

Smiley daft chap: “Oh isn’t that grand! Now you only have to buy left shoes! That is going to make such a fantastic impact on the environment, you’re using *cue stupid statistics* 76.2% less rubber and therefore 2.6% less Lemurs will die from rubber poisoning (?) in Madagascar! You’re so lucky, I wish someone would chop my leg off” (Ok so I embellished the last line a bit – but just because I was thinking it!)

Me: “My dog just died” *sobs*

Smiley daft chap: “Oh don’t be sad *soft shoulder punch* Less dog food to buy every month, and now you don’t have to walk him everyday anymore, leaving you a lot more time to sort your recycling bin!”

You’re not normal. Take a downer. Drink less sugary drinks. You’re too nice, you make my teeth hurt and you make me feel like a bad person.

Now, if you’re one of those people who always have a little grey cloud hovering over your sad little head all the time - then you were clearly not dealt a good hand. Definite shtooping at the drive-in for your 14 year old parents (they may have been related). Your mom may have drank copiously while pregnant and may even have experimented with a few buttons here and there. Buttons or LSD it’s debateable (unless they’re the same thing – how the feck am I supposed to know I’m not a junkie!) McDonalds was on the menu everyday and as for breastfeeding, well that would have been a definite no no. You got a bottle full of Oros! Also no Beethoven for you, you got death metal, and a lot of songs involving puppy kicking.

This is why you hate life so much and get a little smile on your face when you watch the news and hear about the penguins in Antarctica (or is that where the polar bears are) all strangling themselves to death on plastic packets. Well why should you care anyways because you’re going to die soon anyway, probably from a bad batch of worms, and alone… and no one is going to love you.

Boo hoo.

Me: “Oh my goodness Mr Sad looking man, you just won the LOTTO!”

Sad looking man: “I know isn’t it terrible L I’m rich now. I bet you all my relatives are going to try and murder me in my sleep now, and I’m going to get many many young beautiful 20-somethings with big boobs throwing themselves at me, and that’s going to be terrible because I have a small penis and they’re going to notice and then leave me because I’m a bad person. I wish I was still poor rather. It was so much better when my children were starving and I had to feed them fishpaste for breakfast because that’s all we could afford, but I think that’s why I got fired from my last job, my smelly fishpaste breathe, not because of what my boss told everyone, I did not follow her home and steal her underwear. Anyways my life sucks….”

Me: “Brad Pitt just declared his undying love for you! You’re such a lucky lucky girl!”

Sad looking girl: “I know… it won’t last though, he will see me for what I am eventually, a bad person, even though I spend every day doing good deeds for charity it’s just not enough. He’ll leave me and I’ll end up fat and alone with only my 17 cats to keep me company, my life is just too terrible…”

You’re not normal. Take an upper. Drink more sugary drinks. You suck the joy out of everything and make me want to slit my ankles.

Fence-sitting is the way to go! I’d run down the things my mum did to make me this way, but thinking of my parents shtooping makes me a little naar…

Win the Lotto? Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy for meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Penguins choking on Checkers packets? Boooooooooo

Brad Pitt? – Um… does he come with his 50 children…? (insert hectic fence-sit)

Lost leg – Definite BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (Although being able to juggle a chainsaw would be a YAYYYYYYYYYY for me – I suck at juggling)


Peeve Shmeeve