So if you’ve ever considered strapping your ankles to a board and launching yourself down a mine dump with no way to stop your speedy descent but to fling your body on the ground and hope to all hell that you remembered to put on your nice Spiderman broeks (for paramedic amusement purposes) …on purpose… then I highly recommend Sand boarding! I’ve always wanted to sand board, maybe just because I always imagined myself to look so feck off cool shlaloming down a hill, the wind blowing my blonde locks alluringly round my face (of course everyone will see me in slow motion), I’d come to an abrupt stop at the bottom, spray everyone with sand and yell things like “That was like totally wicked bruuuuu….shweeeeeeeeeeeeet” Or some such shite… either way, I’d look fuck off awesome!
So off we toodled with some friends to Boksburg to meet Phil our Sand boarding guru. Yes I packed my passport to go through Boerewors curtain customs, FYI, they don’t let you through if you don’t have a Klippies and Cola pre-mix in your back pocket to bribe them with.
The drive there consisted mostly of us trying to figure out exactly what kind of mining dump we were about to fling ourselves down… the words plutonium (as if anyone actually KNOWS what that shit is) and “DON’T touch the sand mofo’s it’ll make your eyes burn and your children come out with tails” was bandied about. We all laughed. We all silently imagined what our kids would look like with tails.
So we arrive… meh… the mining dump doesn’t look thatttttttttt steep.
Me: *cough* “um Mr Sand boarding Man, where are the closest toilets?”
Phil: “oh right over there…” *points*
(4 women turn around gratefully to where he is pointing – I am imagining a pristine potty with 3-ply, hand cream and blower)
Alas… tis a tree at the top of a hill…
(4 Women imagining Phil with a tail…)
Phil: “Oh just don’t pee by THAT tree *points* because there’s a house right below it and the guys sit outside on camping chairs and watch you… I’m almost sure it’s a chop shop!”
Welcome to Boksburg…
So anyhoo, we all get kitted with our boards. I demanded the pink one, who cares if it was my size and whether I had to go down left, right, sideways, I don’t give a feck.. it’s pink!
So we all trudge up this mine dump… when I said it wasn’t steep before… I lied… that’s why they have lifts for this kind of shit in Switzerland… just saying Boksburg… just saying.
It’s at this stage where my nerves got the best of me and I started imagining the things I have yet to do with my life. I have never managed to put a whole pack of jelly tots in my mouth in one go yet for Gods sake man I am too young to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
So we get our instructions… bend down real low, like you’re taking a poo, and off you go… if you want to stop, just fall backwards onto your bum they say.. awesome… fuck knuckle! *shivers in fear*
So off I go.. it’s really fast and all you want to do is throw yourself down, but I reached the bottom looking like a pro on my first ride… hair blowing gently… looking all hot….? Hellz no! I was chewing sand, my lipgloss was covered in it and I looked less Cover girl in a travel mag and more pale faced, mouth in a big “O” for “Oh fuckydoo”. But made it to the bottom without falling over, yay for me.
Until Phil stopped me at the bottom… and THIS is when I decide, after stopping mind you, to fall backwards on to my bum…. Well…. Let’s just say my bum cheeks did not get the same memo and fecked off in different directions…
Me (holding onto Phil’s legs): “God… in… heaven… I just tore me a new arsehole…..”
Phil: "You wanna just sit here quietly for a while...?"
Me: "Yes... please..."
Dalekins was a complete pro from the beginning. Kept going higher and higher, but he did come down with a splat eventually and that hollow thumping noise that only your stomach can make when it hits something with great force and knocks the stuffing outta you....
Dalekins: "Ooooooomfff .....as soon as I can feel my legs... I'm doing that again!"
Too much freaking fun was had!
Oh and I did end up going for a wee behind a tree… a tree that was halfway down a steeper hill than the dump we were boarding down and ended up needing rescue because I slipped as I stood up… all I can say is thank FECK I had managed to pull my pants up before I stood up… *shows chop shop a brown eye*