Ok so I know it’s very early on in the week to already have my weekly pet peeve, but… *slitty eyed glare* I can’t help it! Dalekins and I were walking around Brooklyn yesterday when all of a sudden my eye caught something in a window. Well cue the violins, Drakensburg choir and soft gentle lighting that usually surrounds angels… I was in heaven! A shop that sells pink kitchen stuff!
Now I am not quite sure why I seem to have this little obsession over pink things… it’s not as if my house is filled with pink and looks like Biggie Best threw up all over it, but it’s just such a friendly colour don’t you think? Now don’t get me wrong, I like pink and all, but I don’t buy everything pink that I can find. I tend to look for and covet the objects that just shouldn’t be pink, but for some obscure reason, just are… Like a pink anal thermometer, now see, THAT would be something I would buy… a pink nose hair trimmer… you get the point ja? Anyhoo I digress…
So Dale gently peels me off the window and says… “do we go in…?” Now it’s at this stage where you always suss out a shop and decide whether you can actually afford anything in it or not. Am I going to have to sell my firstborn to the Nike factory in Abu Dhabi to buy that little spatula over there? Yes? Well at least we’ll get free shoes…
So we go in and like a heat seeking missile I head straight to the pink dustbin that I all of a sudden just know, I cannot live without! My life would not be the same without it… I would lie on the couch in a funk of depression eating Pringles in my dirty gown watching the Rhema channel and sobbing quietly for a month if I could not make this beautiful pink dustbin MINE! *greedy face*
I fondle it lovingly like you would a baby bird… “who’s a pretty little dustbin” and look around for a shop assistant because, and this is what should have made me nervous to begin with… there was NO prices on any of the goods in this shop. In struts 18-year old Barbie shop assistant. Fresh out of matric and still getting pocket money from mum! “Can I be liking to help you”… “Erm yes please, what is the price of this here sexy pink bin?” See now this is where things begin to go wrong… this little flossie first looks me up and down and sniffs disdainfully as if she has just run a credit check on me with her evil little x-ray eyes and found my bank balance to be well… lacking…! I move my expensive Polo handbag in front of me... “take that biaaaaaaaatch” but she’s unperturbed the little troll!
“All those fings on the wall there are from Germany…” (Only thing making me feel better at this stage is this girls awful grasp of the engerrrrlish lingo ek se) So I nod and continue to bore little holes into her head while imagining her being stung by a colony of Africanised bees…” So she looks at me and I can just SEE she’s thinking “Oh my donder this girl really IS going to make me look up the price even though she definitely cannot afford to buy the bag that I would put it in” (Only erm… in Afrikaans)
“Vat bin daar is our cheapest one…” and I’m thinking HALLELUJAH there is hope.. “It are costing R6000” My heart sinks and I can literally FEEL my credit card begin to vibrate in fear. “Oh is that all” *swallows* Not to be put off, I spot the next best thing… once again cue angels and violins… a Pink Breadbin. No bread would ever taste the same again if it wasn’t going mouldy in my kitchen in that sexy little number! “…and um how about that breadbin?”
She looks at me with that stupid little smug smile and says “Really…?” *glares* I start moving towards her ready to separate her expensive haircut from her scalp when Dale grabs my arm and to my great pleasure she gives a little yelp in alarm. “Oh um um that breadfing is like costing 2500 raaaaands…”
The universe hates me.
So I slink off hearing the breadbin and dustbin both screaming in agony…”Taaaaaaaash…. Don’t leave me heeeeeereeeeeeeeeee” and I can almost hear the little twit laughing saying to her colleague “Oh my goodness I just had to deal with poor people… pass me the hand sanitizer!”
So I had a dream last night… I strutted into the shop with loads of Clicks packets in my hands filled to the brim with pink Tupperware…. “You work on commission don’t you?” she’s now looking at all my clicks packets…I lift the bags and look at her smugly… “Big mistake…. BIG mistake” and stomp off to go buy enough koeksisters to fill aforementioned 200 Tupperware containers feeling like Julia Roberts in Pretty women…
P.S. No Africanized bees were injured in the making of this story.
Sooooo, something to be grateful for today… emmmmmmmm. I am grateful that my car didn’t get crushed by a big chunk of frozen wee expelled out of a Boeing on it’s way to Japan.