I have realized that with age and experience I have become overly cynical. The other day we pulled into our complex and saw a women and a guy hugging each other for a long time. I immediately looked at Dale and said “Ooooh extra-marital! I bet you they been bonking like rabbits while her children have been locked in the cupboard with only a can of tuna and a tin opener to sustain them! The SLUTTTTTTTTTTTT”
Dalekins usually just smiles and shakes his head like a wise old man! BUTTTTTTTTT he is just as bad! We drove past a sign that said “Personal trainer – I come to your house to train you!” and Dalekins immediately said “Oh ofcourrrrrrrrrrrrse he does, can you say desperate housewives… I can just imagine the workout he gives them!” and then he did this mad pelvic thrust and an eyebrow wiggle.
Mental I tell you.
Anyhoo about a month ago Dalekins and I spot this massive dent in his back passenger door. You can imagine the vloermoer I threw “Fucking cretins!! Who just drives into a car and drives off without telling you! *&%$^%%$^#56 fuckknuckllllllllllllle!” with much fist shaking. Dalekins just wiped a little tear away and then kissed his Alfa better “It’s okay Sofia eeeets okaaaaay!”.
So anyhoo, yesterday our cooky neighbor (I think she’s cooky because one day she had a full on hour long screaming match…with herself! yep I am pretty sure the answering argument was in her own voice… creepy eh! Anyway she catches us in the driveway yesterday and asks us if she can come in to “chat to us” So there Dalekins and I sit, staring at this woman feeling uncomfortable in our own home while she starts to tell us her life story. I’m looking at her with a face like a smacked arse, to say I was getting annoyed and freaked out was an understatement… Dalekins and I don’t “do” neighbours… unless you have a machete wielding tsotsi in your house and you need the muscles from Brussels next doors assistance.. you just don’t mingle…
So on she went for what seemed like 30 minutes… now here comes the part where you can see how cynical I am….
…” and then I have had cancer… and with the grace of God… and my family came to say goodbye… God’s love… and the chemo makes my eyes bad …god loves you.. and then my sister committed suicide… gods strength… and then my car set alight and my dog died and I have recently ended a relationship… but have you accepted Jesus (this is where I dashed to the kitchen for a shot!) and it’s been such a bad year with me almost dying, did I mention I almost died… and I am on a disability pension… and oh yes, I drove into your car a month ago… disability pension… I’d like to compensate you…”
I could literally hear Dales heart turn into a puddle of chocolate pudding…
Me? I’m looking at her thinking… why the fuck didn’t you just say so.
Now don’t get me wrong, I realize what incredible strength it took for her to come over and admit that she was the loon who bumped our car and sped off in rubber fuelled smoke… but what is with the entire life story and informing us that she is on a disability pension BEFORE telling us that SHE was the one who damaged Dalekins car. Disability pension, but would like to compensate us… what person in their right mind is going to take money from this lady nowwwwwwwww!!
I’m thinking why you wiley manipulative little wench…
Dalekins is blinking back the tears and offering to buy HER a new car…