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Do you want Hard Buns!?

I have always been a huge fan of South African adverts. What other country for instance could come up with an advert about a fireman sweeping the firehouse, deciding to do a bit of a pole dance (as they do I am sure) finishing off his erotic tease with an upside down manoeuvre and then getting blatted in the nuggets by the firemen dropping down the pole from above, when the fire alarm goes off? Pure genius.

But I find myself perturbed of late.

Have any of you actually WATCHED any of those Verimark adverts? “Do you want hard buns, thighs and tights ABS?” Um, no. I’d rather be fat and have an arse like 2 puppies fighting in a pillowcase.  OFCOURSE I want all that you dumbarse!

South Africans would NEVER ask “do you want hard buns” because that’s the equivalent of getting your usual Friday night take out from KFC and having to throw away the roll because it was baked two weeks ago... WEEEEE would say something like “Would you like a stuiwe poephol and ABS that you can wash your skivvies on?” and then we’d throw in a box of OMO as well. Come on Verimark. You are letting your team down!

And then… to my horror, I watched an advert where two young men are kicking a football around. They kick it into an old rusty shed (in the middle of their soccer field) and discover and old junk heap tractor. Cue the sunlight streaming in, and their motivating smiles at each other. You then see them working on the tractor all lovingly and finally them driving it out into the sunset.

The Ad? “Lets stop HIV in South Africa” or some such shit, I wasn’t paying much attention. I was too busy thinking “Fuck me a magic tractor!”

Oh and then my favourite.  Now men, you may want to look away here. The gorgeous woman walking around the gallery looking like the sun shines out of her “buns” and is loving life… but wait… what’s that funny “shlack shlack” noise that is following her around with every step. Ahhhh yes… “Are you using sanitary towels that embarrass you when walking down the street?”

What the HELL is she wearing, a Checkers packet?? I think she has bigger problems than using noisy sanitary towels, I think she needs to get her ears checked because if she couldn’t hear that before well then she is just thicker than pig poo.

But again DSTV is the saviour. A guy is sitting on his couch watching TV and eating a bowl of noodles, his girlfriend walks in asks him if her jeans make her bum look big (No it’s the chocolates you eat!)? He says yes (stupid man!) and then continues on by grabbing her “muffin tops” with his chopsticks while advising her that maybe a pair of skinny jeans would help her “silhouette look slimmer” … he ends up with a bowl of noodles on his head and the chopsticks sticking out of his “bum”.

Heeee – larious.

I was looking for a picture to show you on Google. But I got a site that said “Girl snaps chopsticks with her rock hard buns” and I didn’t want to go there…

G I Jane