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Poo Gate

So I am back from holiday – Please join me in a moment of silence to mourn the death of my happy-happy-love-you-long-time-5-dolla good times! *fans eyes frantically**sniff* I promised myself I wouldn't cry!!

So anyhoo, I thought I'd start at the end of my trip and share my trauma with y'all! Namely my trip home, or as I like to call it “Poo-Gate”

Now because we are cheapskates. No wait. Scratch that. Because Dalekins and I give every spare cent we have to charity (i.e. Bruno the midget from Uzbekistan who is now going to Carnival Clown class and learning how to be shot out of a canon THANKS to us!!) we didn't do the whole “fly straight to Thailand” thing. Oh no no no, we could only afford the budget package which involved 2 buses, a donkey and cart, a shopping trolley, 2 flights and 5 trains for us to get where we were going.

So after taking the 1.5 hour flight to Kuala Lumpur from Phuket we were looking at a bum numbing 12 hour stop over before our flight and aforementioned donkey ride back to JHB. But being resilient little travellers, when we landed, we found a locker for our hand luggage because it was crammed so full of rip off Diesel and Billabong (Made in Austria) goods that we could barely drag it behind us let alone drag it all over Kuala Lumpur. We took and train into KL central and spent the entire day cramming in as much as we could.

1 X Visit to China Town to eat Chinese food and walk around night market – check

1 X Durian fruit search so Dalekins can finally taste the fruit that smells like vrot feet. We have finally put a finger on the flavour, it is banana, mango and onions! – check

1 X Find funny chinese pork square piece of meat thingy that I remember to taste delicious and yet nutritious - check

1 X Walk around Low Yat Complex so Dalekins can get a woody with all the gagillion electronics shops on display – check AND quite disturbing

1 X Eating hot chestnuts under the lit up Petronas Towers – check (P.S. Those fuckers are hard to peel)

1 X City Bus tour, which just meant we were stuck in a lot of traffic – check

Soooo imagine our horror after such a perfect day getting back to airport, very chuffed with ourselves only to discover that our flight had been delayed to 5:55 am the following morning. It was 10pm and we'd been awake already from 6 that morning.

*wobbly lip*

So we found the transit hotel to at least try and get a bit of sleep because we were absolutely knackered! And the nerves were fraying at this stage. They give you these rooms by the hour. I felt like a bit of a hooker I must say – it was awesome!

I didn't get much sleep though, I kept imagining that I could literally feel the bedbugs having a smorgasbord on my beee-hind. And there was that scene from CSI that kept flashing in my mind. You know the one... the dead body in the hotel room, they switch off the light, spray the room and then put on goggles to see if there's any semen lying around, and the room is literally covered in SPUNK, even the ceiling is glowing ominously! That scene!!! Well yes, any room you get by the hour... well... yech...

So anyhoo, we get woken up, grab our things and traipse all bleary eyed at this stage.

*stands under Flight Boarding electronic boardy thing*

*Dalekins and I look up*

Plane delayed another hour and a half.

*Dalekins holds on to the back of my shirt in a death grip while I launch myself at the transit desk yelling something about punching someone in the face*

So anyhoo, this carried on for a while. Until our 12 hour stop over had turned into a 19 hour stop over.

When we finally boarded, they fed us as quickly as possible because people with food in their mouths tend to stop swearing for the duration of the meal.

Now here is where things went wrong. What happened to the good ol days. Chicken or Beef? No no, I got the, omellete, orrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr The Malaysian breakfast which was shrimp and rice. It could have gone either way. But because I wanted one last Malaysian experience. That or I am just a daft cow, I ordered the Shrimp rice. Which when it came I can assure you I ate mostly only the rice. Because from the looks of what was amongst the shrimp, some weird small fishy things, I decided to only eat the shrimp, the rice and a bit of sauce. I now think that that meal is where good fish go to die).

But *dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnn* it was enough to start THE END OF DAYS.

Cue the violent stomach cramps which I am almost sure was akin to giving birth to a pineapple... that was the size of a watermelon... sideways! And the worst thing that could possibly happen to you on an aeroplane? Something I like to call the “Number 3”.

Let's just say I am now an expert chair vaulter.

At one stage when I came out of the toilet, there was a queue of about 6 people waiting in line, and the oxygen masks had been deployed. I had the decency to look embarrassed. They had the decency to look sympathetic. Well... they were probably looking sympathetically at the poor little girl who was next in line to go in. Orrrrrrrrr they actually DID feel sorry for me because they had heard my loud sobbing of “Please God kill me nowwwwwwwww! Exorcise the deeeeeemonssssssssssssssss”

A 10 and a half hour flight. With food poisoning. When you've been awake close on 36 hours. Ranked really high up on my “what a fuck up” list.

Next time I fly - “Chicken or Beef ma'am?” *sweet smiley air hostess*

“Fuck thaaaaaaaaaaaat, I want the OMELETTE, are you're trying to keeeeeeeeeeel meeeeeeeee!! Get me management, I wanna see management!!!”

This whole experience just lead to me being a big girls blouse and bursting into tears at the airport when my bag was the last one to come. I imagined that it had exploded and peppered the loading bay with my knickers and fake Buddhas.

I was meant to be back at work today. But alas, here I sit with my achy little body. Boohooo.

But what a FANTASTIC holiday!!

Did I mention that I also came back with a suspected cracked rib – due to a fabulous Thai Masseuse who moonlights for the WWF at night! AND an ear infection from a charming scene straight out of Le Dolce Vita!!? 

But you'll just have to wait for that, because I *points at me* have to run to the loooooooo!

*vaults over TV, cartwheels over dining room table and backflips over Zeus landing with perfectly placed feet on bathmat*

La Dolce Vita

La Dolce Vita