After last night's 8-steps-to-a-booty-licious-derrier debacle, or as it will from now on be known “The Night Womens Health Tried to Kill Me Gate” (But should you read this - you can send me free pink Reeboks to say sorry – Size 7). I feel the need to bust this whole “exercise is good for you” myth. My Top 5 Reasons why Exercise is evil and should be destroyed:
- TODAY I cannot sit on the toilet seat like a normal person to piddle. No, no, I have to do this drop-it-like-it's-hot move to get my STILL less than bootylicious bum on the seat. Because to engage my thigh muscles right now is equal only to shoving a hot coal up aforementioned bum. It smarts a little.
- TODAY I had to turn myself over in the bath, and go on all fours, just so that I could get OUT of the bath without using too many muscles. Thus exposing my arse to the world and when I say world I mean Dalekins who then promptly took great pleasure in spanking me like a filly in my moment of agony!! TWICE!!! sssssssssssssss...... Exercise leads to unwanted bottom action.
- To laugh is to feel like someone is fiddling with my innards with a hot desert spoon. Core shhhhmore! I can't even sit UPRIGHT let alone: “Your core will strengthen your posture” *mumble* stupid fuckknuckles *mumble*
- To walk, is to look like I have been riding a camel for an entire day. A fat camel. And guys keep wiggling their eyebrows at me.
- Being in pain makes me use bad words when I move... or breathe for that matter. And then the bad old lady from next door comes and knocks on the door and asks Dalekins what, EXACTLY, I just called her mother.
And you know what's WORSE? All that pain, and I only burnt off one measly Jelly tot. *narfy face*
...It's all just from the devils bum and should be avoided.