Now I am sure you will all have experienced that horrible feeling when you’re ripped from your slumber while dreaming of puppies and butterflies, or in my case trying to fit sneakers onto a big fat blue caterpillar (that’s a shitload of work I’ll have you know!) by one hellova racket some where in the vicinity of your house. The dreaded bump in the night.
*sits up immediately karate chopping the air* “Fuckknuckllllllllllllle what was that, where the hell am I?!”
See now what usually happens is Dalekins continues to snore away softly, blatantly ignoring the noise and leaving me to go and investigate, because I look intimidating as all feck in my Winnie the Pooh pyjamas!
I think it’s because he is very confident in my ninja fly kicking skills (The only thing a ninja and I have in common is our love for black pyjamas. Also the only thing that would scare the bad people away is my banshee type screaming from pulling a cookie muscle whilst TRYING to do my fly kick).
Personally I like to look at myself as a Mortal Kombat Fighter at that time of the Morning:
Weapons: Morning Breath
Venom Level: Potent-ish
Armour: Unsuspecting cat – usually tossed at enemy
*pounces out of bed*
*tuck and roll tuck and roll all the way to the door*
*leopard crawls slowly towards the backdoor eyes darting around continuously*
*spits cat fluff out of mouth* (Our vacuum cleaner popped it’s clogs last week)
See now, always look for the most OBVIOUS reason for the noise.
a) Is there a man in a hockey mask holding a panga standing in the corner with a lampshade on his head trying to be inconspicuous? (No, no self respecting psycho uses chainsaws anymore – have you not SEEN the price of diesel!)
b) Is there a troop of carnival midgets (balancing on each others shoulders) trying to steal the cabbages out of your fridge
c) Look outside the window. Is your house still where you left it? If not, are there small munchkins outside? If not, then keep looking it’s not that, you ijjit!
d) Is there a ginormous Spider in your living room knocking over your ornaments. If this is the case you’re fucked anyway. Grab the cat and run. Leave your slumbering boyfriend to take one for the team - It’s Dalekins own fault for sleeping through this.
(2 Hours later)
*still leopard crawling and pouncing around making karate chop noises looking under every vase*
*Dalekins comes out of the room to go for a wee looking all sleepy like, scratching his butt, yawning*
Dalekins: “Oh look your razor fell off the wall into the bath”
Me: *panting on lounge carpet* “Arse!”
Dalekins: "Why you on the floor? And why you so sweaty?"