I write this in the hopes that it will be cathartic. I got to thinking this morning, after the umpteenth time of me lying awake after Dalekins has left for work (which is before the sparrows have farted I’ll have you know!) and worrying about him getting there safely. It’s raining, he has to travel on the highway, and I am incredibly paranoid. Scared he'll get into a terrible accident and be taken from me.
Maybe paranoid isn’t the right word. Fearful? Negative maybe?
So anyhoo, there I was lying in bed wondering why I am always worrying that something is going to happen to the people I love. It’s bizarre. It’s almost as if I am always expecting things to go tits up. That if I drop my guard for even a second something will go wrong and my happiness will be taken from me.
When I was a kid, I was not a slave in a Nike factory in India, nor did I ever have to beg on a street corner. I also didn’t lose any loved ones to a freak Toaster-in-the-pool accident. Nothing like that. So why is it that I am always expecting the ones I love to be taken away from me. And I can assure you the thought “Oh of course that would happen to me” would definitely enter my mind. Self pitying? No. I seem to genuinely feel that whenever I am happy, it won't last.
The only thing I can attribute this to is the emotional tools I was given as a kid. Now don't get me wrong, I am not blaming anyone for the way I feel / act / re-act today as an adult. I think I turned out okay-ish :) My parents dragged me up as best they could, yes, it wasn't always in a healthy environment but they also had their own emotional nonsense to deal with, and millions of kids go through the same thing every single day, and turn out to be emotionally well adjusted people.
Or do they?
My point is, when you grow up you start to learn from your hurts. We see the lessons. We learn to pick our battles. You get over your fears.
You grow a thick skin? Maybe not me though.
I was 11 when my parents divorced, I was absolutely terrified / relieved that they had split. They would have killed each other eventually - literally. Pick any reason for a divorce and my parents had it. The time leading up to the divorce was EXTREMELY unhealthy for any child to go through, and afterwards well, ofcourse I was terrified all the time. Terrified that we would lose our home, that I would end up on the street, something a lot of us have gone through in our lives. I know it wasn't my fault. I know I would never have prevented it. It was no one's fault, these things happen and just because it happened to me doesn't mean that everyone I love will go away.
So it pains me that even today, when I'm a 33 year old woman and not 11 anymore, that I can still feel like my happiness is just a tease. The thought that seems to have taken route in my mind, is that no matter what I do, no matter what I say everyone will eventually leave me. In some way or another.