Ok so I have had possibly the most traumatic morning of my life... well... so far! Dale leaves for work at 5:15am, so I take full advantage of the empty bed for the last few hours before I have to wake up by starfishing myself across it's entirity. So there I was, sweetly dreaming of puppy dogs and candy floss... The alarm goes off so I wake up and get out of the bed to go to have a wee.
*walks back to bedroom rubbing sleep out of eyes yawning and scratching bum in my jammies* *flicks bedroom light on* And this is where all hell breaks loose.... for but 2 centimeters above Dales pillow (very close to mine!) is a spider the size of a small dinnerplate!
Now it's at this stage that I have to point out that to me, there is nothing worse in this world than a spider. Especially one thats big enough to swallow my head whole. I stood deadstill... 'Oh my gaaaaaaaaawd' I look to my left hoping my feline companion Zeus (whom we feed and love on a daily basis) will do his cat duties, earn his keep, jump up on the bed and swallow the fecker whole... but alas, no. There is Zeus next to me looking at the spider all wide eyed, and looking more freaked out than me and I can just tell he's thinking 'I aint putting that thing in MY mouth'. Great!
I txt Dale, in the hopes that he can somehow teleport himself home, NOW, and save me... but no, he texts back words of comfort. 'Shame sweetie that's not nice, how'd you sleep?'... How did I sleep? I am about to be eaten alive, I have goosebumps the size of grapes and my man just 'shame sweetied'! me!!!
I tried my best to be brave! Went off to the kitchen and took out a tupperware from the cupboard, slowly inched my way back to the bedroom to do some measuring from afar... *holds the tupperware up*... vok neee.... Need a bigger tupperware... so I go back into the kitchen with my stomach now doing backflips and my base instinct screaming at me to 'PHONE THE COPS YOU DAFT BITCH WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!'
So I creep back in, oven gloves on my hands, with a bigger tupperware, and it's lid. Knowing full well that I should rather use a piece of paper to cut him off in the tupperware instead of it's lid, because a lid... well it leaves spaces... now I know this... and yet. Ok well to be fair, I don't think a piece of paper would of kept that thing in there. In the meantime Dale has txt'ed me again asking me if I've moiderlised the spider yet! (I think he was checking if I was still alive)... so anyway I creep up to the spider, tupperware ahead of me and slam it over him! Now this is where things get really bad because he jumps up against the tupperware base trying to get out, and I can feel how strong he is and I am now really freaking out!
So now comes the tricky stage, the slipping of the lid under the tupperware. Now at this stage I am hoping he'll accept defeat and be gracious and just sit on the bottom of the tupperware so I can calmly slip the lid under the tupperware and carry him out (God knows what I would have done then - probably would have flung the tupperware over my neighbours wall for it to never be seen again). But no... the ungrateful little fucker had different ideas! As I slip the lid slowly under the tupperware, he did what I KNEW he would and crawled out of the little space that I had made to get the lid under and ran ONTOP of the tupperware....
Well the tupperware went one way and I went another... and my neighbours were ripped from their slumbers (stupid shits sleeping while I'm in the battle of my life) by my bloodcurdling scream. Ofcourse the tupperware lands on the bed with the spider still on it. So now I am beyond sanity, I grab my phone, call Dale and absolutely lose it on the phone! Cue the Sobs and hysterical crying: 'Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaale waaaaaaaa waaaa, I'm scarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrred! He's on the bed, I'm going to dieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!' Dale in a panicked voice thinking I am being hacked to pieces by Freddy Kruger is trying to calm me down: 'Tash calm down, what's going on?' 'The spiders on the bedddddddddd waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa *sob sob sob*,' Dale: ' But have you got him trapped under the tupperware?'
'Noooooooooooooooo *sob sob sob' He's ONTOP of the tupperwarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre waaaaaaaaaaaaaa' Dale:'Ok my darling, just back away slowly, take your clothes out of the room and just close the door, I promise you I will not rest until I find him tonight and get him out... just get out of the room'
*slowmotion, back against the wall* I just grabbed what I felt hit my hand first in the cupboard and ran out the room crying! (Yes I'm a big pissy - and I'm dressed funny)... So now we have a ginormous spider making himself comfortable in our bed, he probably plumped up my pillow is laying back under the covers reading my book... *shivers*
So before I left for work, I wrote a little note: 'Dear Mr Spider, please make yourself at home, have a sandwich, there are leftovers in the fridge, and a good movie on at 10. But please ensure that WHEN YOU LEAVE (FOREVER!) this afternoon, preferably before 5pm, that you lock the doors. It was lovely meeting you and I hope you have a great life. Please note however that should you not take my short and sweet eviction notice seriously that you will be becoming great friends with the bottom of my shoe. No wait, scrap that, the bottom of Dales shoe.
Dalekins, my darlink, please get him out this afternoon, or I'm moving. Or setting the bedroom on fire. Whatever comes first! :)