Well hello there...

Welcome to my blog. Brb... I'm making memories (read as: Wine. I'm going to get some wine...)

New year, new arse! ...again.

New year, new arse! ...again.

Happy New Year ya’ll!!

I hope your wallets will be full (of actual money not just Woolies receipts – I know how you work Universe). I hope you will be happy and healthy and above all, fat. Because I don’t want to be the only one who feels like they ate ALL THE PIES!

I had a great holiday this festive season…

By great I mean I stuffed my face with every conceivable thing I could, and drank ALL the alcohol! Because #lifegoals… if by lifegoals I now mean that I can see my cheeks when I smile, my arse is like puppies fighting in a pillowcase, and I for a very short period lose sight of my vagina when I bend over because MUFFIN TOP!

I was all “this is January’s problem…”

And now look!

What the actual fuck metabolism…  *mouths “you twat”*

So I am joining the rest of the world with their lose weight look great resolutions nonsense, and from today am starting the Keto diet. Or my loose interpretation of it anyways… Which is high fat (yay donuts!...hush), low carb (boo spaghetti), medium protein (I’m a vegetarian now so… yay hummus?)


And yes, I’m still exercising with Betty Rocker… my inner thighs feel like I was the lead in Debbie does Dallas this morning! When does this become easier? When does one stop sounding like a moose during mating season whenever you exercise…?

Anyone successfully done this and lost 10kg’s in your first week? Because if that’s not the result then I donwanna… I mean the keto malarkey, not the “Debbie does Dallas” thing because if I had to have enough sex to lose 10kg’s in one week, then oh fuck no.  That sounds like a lot of manual labour. I’m sweating just thinking about it. Like, I cannot even stay ontop for a minute without my arse and hips cramping and without shouting at Dale “IS THIS GOING TO TAKE LONG I AM NOT AN OLYMPIC GYMNAST FOR FUCK SAKES!” ...not an Olympic gymnast but ever the romantic amIriggght..?!

Anyhoo, I’ll keep ya posted…


Credit for the Debbie does Dallas pic to the porn industry... I don't want to be sued and have to pay damages in dildos for the rest of my life...

I'll show you where to stick that Zucchini!

I'll show you where to stick that Zucchini!

Hell. Exercise is hell.

Hell. Exercise is hell.