I have come to the conclusion that I have a love / hate relationship with exercise. And with people who enjoy exercise for that matter, or as I like to call them, wankers-who-lie-about-liking-exercise.
Because I straight up fucking hate it right up until the end.
It’s like the 5 stages of grieving for me…
The lead up to doing it is like I am being lead to my death… my back is slumped, I’m looking down at the ground muttering “No, no, NO! Can’t we talk about this… isn’t there another way?” (usually said to my muffin top). I’m curvaceous not chubby… is this really necessary? I think not…
I lie on my yoga mat for a minute or two… my body has an involuntary temper tantrum where I flop around like a fish in distress for a while, or as I like to call it, a warm up. I eventually start my workout filled with rage while muttering rude words about my instructor’s mother (I regret this usually pretty quickly - I'm sure she was a lovely woman before giving birth to Satan herself!), and there is a whole lot of “for fuck sakes…” thrown in for good measure! Why is it that when you’re exercising, 5 minutes feels like an hour!! Huh? No really! WHY Stephen Hawking Why?!!
Ok wait, so what if I don’t eat a cookie right after this workout… surely I can cut this shit short…? How about we end right about…. Now. Ok, ok, no wait, surely this 15 minute workout means I can have a bottle of wine tonight. Oh it doesn’t…? well what then…? Oh. A grape. (Googles: How long do you leave a grape in the window sill for until it turns to wine?...and do you have to cover it with wet cotton wool? - Secondary Google search: Will sucking on week old cotton wool with manky grape stuck to it kill you? ... Asking for a friend).
But I really want that cookie!! *cries loudly with snot running down my face and sounding like an asthmatic weasel* why do I have to be fat!! I blame my mother! This is what happens when you're conceived because your parents bonked at the drive-in! I just can’t catch a break, why is life so hard! Why is cheesecake so good!
…Oh look I’m done. I feel amazing!! Maybe I should sign myself up for a SkyRun with Dalekins.
Honestly exercising is like being kicked right in the vagina and then getting it kissed better afterwards – This sounds ruder than I intended but meh, it works.