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Welcome to my blog. Brb... I'm making memories (read as: Wine. I'm going to get some wine...)

Martha Stewart, kiss my hiney!

So I nearly lost an eye this weekend! There I am… sleeping sweetly like a princess (hand on forehead, lips slightly parted looking all vulnerable like – as opposed to my usual ogre look with the drewl coming down my chin) when I decide to turn over (to be fair my turn over was less princess-like and more jump around and twist in the air like a Cirque du Soleil acrobat) and THWACK! I get a slap right in the eyeball! Ooooowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, my eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyye! (Cue vigorous drama queen wailing and hand slapped over eye as if I am literally having to hold my eyeball inside it’s socket).

Dalekins looking horrified!

Tash (looking horrified): You slapped me!!!

Dalekins (WAS looking horrified – now that he sees my eyeball is infact NOT hanging by a vein or muscle or whatever the feck holds them in there, is now starting to piss himself laughing)

*narfy face*

Dalekins: I did NOT! You were turning around, AS I was about to put my arm around you!

Tash: But… but… you slapped me!

Dalekins: I DIDN’T!! You… face-fived me!

…. I face-fived him. *shakes head* too funny ;)

Anyhoo onto another topic! I am one of those women who can handle herself in the kitchen (I don’t set shit on fire) but am very much an average student!

No, contrary to popular belief when girls are born we do NOT come out of the womb holding a spatula ready to scramble and frik-a-zee shit!

Boil eggs, spag-bol, frozen fish… now THAT I can handle. Crème Brulee’s and souffle’s are born in the Woolies factory, not in my kitchen! (God Bless your cotton socks Woolworths). So no, Dalekins is not dying of malnutrition and rickets just yet! But do not expect me to know how to “fold” stuff… and what’s that other stupid term smartarse cooks like to use..? Ah yes… blanch! Blanch. What the fuck is that supposed to meeeeeeeean! Why don’t they just say boil quickly and then put in cold water!! (I only know that now because I farking GOOGLED it!!)

Keep it simple stupids!!! Easy terms are manageable like “stir-fry”. Look, I am stirring. And it’s Frying. No brainer there, just the way I like it :)

But I did something this weekend that smacks of smartarseyness and would make Martha Stewart want to kiss me right on my BOTTOM! *smug smile* And I am going to share it with you because I do believe that there are more people like me out there, men and women who when hearing the term “Blanch” think of that slutty old bird from the Golden Girls and NOT of boiling things quickly pfffft!

So the next time you’re having a braai, here is an awesome Braai desert! And it’s feck easy to make! Men, if you are usually only in charge of throwing the chops on the braai and then covering it in beer throughout the process (they say to marinate, I say they misjudged the flame size and people are starting to complain about the burnt-hair-smell) then this is for you too! If you go into the kitchen and tell wifey “Oh honey, I’ll handle desert today” I reckon you may just get lucky later! (Don’t say I never do anything for you!)

So anyways, get some bananas, and a slab of wholenut chocolate. Peel one piece of the peel off (leave the rest on). Make a slit down the middle of the banana, and fill with the chocolate blocks (be generous – chicks love chocolate *wiggles eyebrows*) wrap up in foil till it looks like a shiny willy and tadaaaa, put on the braai for 10 minutes, turn once and serve!

Nyom nyom! (Um, don’t eat the peel)

See now… the only issue I had making this was the farking FOIL!

Foil perturbs me.

How can I know words like “perturbs” and yet not know which side of the effing foil is the shiny side! I HATE YOU FOIL!! And why God whyyyy does it matterrrr! “For roasting ensure shiny side UP”

Oh poke it up your bum!

I always cheer for the underdog, and both sides are silver, and shinyyyyyy!!!! I can check my make-up in BOTH sides! Am I meant to choose one above the other!!

Give me the good news CHALLENGE

Driving into Miss Daisy