Well hello there...

Welcome to my blog. Brb... I'm making memories (read as: Wine. I'm going to get some wine...)

Bum loving Mozzies

Soooo I’m back from holiday! I’m happy about that, can you tell? *stabs stapler in eye* Kruger Park was the dogs bollocks! (that means “awesome” to those of you who don’t have disgusting filthy potty mouths like me – you can blame my mom for my sailors mouth because thaaaaat’s what happens when you would rather use your bar of Lux to wash your botty instead of sticking it in your child mouth!)

I digress though – All my limbs are attached! No Rabid zebras attacked… although I do have a narfy looking bite on my bum… They always go for the bum.

“Ooooh I’ll bite HERE becauze it’zz going to be funny az all poopzz vatching her trying to put zome zort of cream on zhe bite, and also I will cauze zhe maximum amount of dizcomfort as she zeems to spend a large amount of time zitting on it!” (no, the “s” isn’t broken on my keyboard, all mozzies talk like nazi’s!) – HATE mozzies, they are from the devils bum. Their sole purpose in life is to suck you up through that stupid little nozzle! It’s not very neighbourly.

Well I can see the bite! (I think the farking space station can see it) I can manoeuvre my bum cheek around to have a good look actually. (I feel like this is one of those things that I should have kept to myself). Which just means I have to a) lay off the cheesecake and b) stop… sleeping with my nude bum in the air….?


I have picked up about 20 kilos because all our resort did was feed us. All the time. Mid-game drive morning snack. Breakfast. Mid-morning after breakfast snack. Lunch. High tea (which by the way doesn’t mean you have to sit all snooty like with your pinky in the air sipping tea like a dame and saying things like “jolly good show chap”. Well I tried that, but Dalekins kept asking me what the hell was in my scones! Nor does it mean you get served “happy cakes”). Mid-game drive snack. Dinner. Then they roll you to your room where it can start all over the next day.

Terrible life. God in heaven please stop feeding me! *Whisper*

So anyhoo, must run, will tell all gory details about our lion attack tomorrow (ok that’s a lie – but I’m just trying to keep you interested in my story here!)

Must go work now, or atleast highlight my 400 unread emails, click “mark all as read” and then randomly tick a few flags to make it look as if I’ve worked on them.

Em *cough* If someone from work reads this… you really must stop drinking from the water fountain in the kitchen, I heard a rumour someone diddled it with vodka and it makes you hallucinate…

Fluffy Velociraptor Attacks

I once had a bad experience with a Zebra