Wow, so I haven’t written anything since the 80’s. This makes me a sad panda. Apparently when you fall pregnant, your brain literally does turn to mush, or maybe that’s just me. Or MAYBE it’s because everyone around me has become super responsible because we have a little pinkfoot in the house now, so I cannot regale anyone with brandy soaked tales of Dalekins vomiting in his shoes, or being absolutely convinced there was a tokolosh in our garden. Ok, ok, to be fair, that was more “mushroom” fuelled than brandy… and by mushrooms, no I don’t mean the button variety from Woolies, I mean the stuff that entailed me having to crush it in a mortar and pestle and pour it into shot glasses (I am like the Nigella of the drug world – wait, isn’t Nigella the Nigella of the drug world..?)
Anyhoo just on that story, let me just say mushrooms don’t work on me. I am mushroom proof, I can’t even get stoned correctly for fuck sakes, which left me being the babysitter to Dalekins and two other guys (I won’t divulge details of who they were incase their moms are avid blog readers, and why wouldn’t they be? I am awesome). But incase Dalekins family reads this, then by mushrooms I definitely mean the button mushroom variety. Anyhoo yes, Dalekins became convinced that there was a tokolosh running in our garden, he even kicked a ball at “it’s head”. Because if I were a tokolosh, that’s what I’d be scared of… a drunk guy trying to kick me in the head with a tennis ball…
I don’t quite know how I got on to the story. But I have been suffering from serious writers block, so I have decided to just write a lot of crap until inspiration strikes again… bear with me now! I mean a lot has happened in my life the past year and a half, but I am positive no one wants to read about the horror that was my vagina after giving birth… (Or maybe you do, maybe I should do a VAGINA poll?) tore myself a new one I did and ended up having what I lovingly now refer to as The GREAT ETHIOPIAN CIRCUMSCISION. (<- potential Title to my next post?)
If you would like to read about The GREAT ETHIOPIAN CIRCUMSCISION then comment with the hashtag #GoGoGadgetVag maybe we can trend on Twitter because my Vagina trending on twitter would make my life. Ok no wait this is all just false advertising. By saying #GoGoGadgetVag I am giving the impression that my vagina can infact do cool things like shoot a spiderweb… or be invisible (wouldn’t that piss Dalekins off!) I’m just going to leave this here.
Or I could just turn this into a mommy blog, where I regale you with tales of boogers, poo consistency and 5 Reasons why toddlers are like drunk hobo’s. But imagine the horror of mommies finding this blog expecting to hear actual advise on teething and not “Put a generous helping of brandy on the gums, and then continue to slowly pour capfuls for yourself until teething no longer bothers you!”
Possibilities are endless…
Here’s a goat for taking the time to read this stupid blog post.