How sneaky was I with the title of this blog post. Well you're in it now so you'll just have to keep reading. I promise, there are tips on finding a mans g-spot in here somewhere... maybe. So it’s official. I am old.
Now don’t get me wrong, I still have the face of a 16 year old… whale sperm and the tears of 100 virgins will help with that. But nothing I tell you, NOTHING hurts like finally coming to the realization that you are NOT 18 anymore.
I have been feeling “my age” since I turned 36 (which is the exact amount of tomatoes that goes into a bottle of All Gold I’ll have you know. I love All Gold. – but I digress) but yesterday I had the most depressing moment when reality slapped me solid in the face like something... that would slap you... in the face.
There I was grocery shopping with Dalekins when I decided to pick up a magazine so I could spend the rest of the afternoon being lazy and flipping through a book that would make me feel fat, ugly and extremely poor. (Really Elle… who can actually afford the fucking clothes you advertise in your magazines – Oh I’ll just run out and buy that jumpsuit made from panda eyelashes for R36,000, it's gowgeous.)
Anyhoo after browsing through my magazine options... I picked up and decided to buy… wait for it. This is hard for me to admit. SWEETBABYJESUSIpickedup theWoman&HomeMagazine!!!
I know. Stop judging me. I was so sad about it, I tried to hide it in the trolley under my spanks.
To be fair amongst the articles of “How to knit a tea cosy” and “Get rid of Kankles” was an inspiring article on how to still drink wine while losing weight – with actual tips!! Where I always thought you just drank your wine and took the change out of your wallet…. Tadaaaaa lighter already. (That’s a lie, my wallet is never heavy, I never have change because I give money to every car guard on the planet because I’m scared they’ll stab me if I don’t, even though giving them my change makes me angry and bitter and sometimes I throw it out the window in the hopes it will hit them right in their stupid heads).
But I just can’t read the likes of Cosmo or Glamour etc. anymore! With pearler articles like this can you blame me!!
- What is your man thinking – Really? Who. Gives. A. Fuck. If you have asked him and he says “nothing” leave it at that you psycho! Otherwise let me break it down for you, it’s really not that hard. If this were Dalekins it would be the following:
- Kate Beckinsale
- Kate Beckinsales boobs
- Kate Beckinsale could totally use my thighs for earmuffs
- Why is Tash still talking
- Hmmmm donuts
- I wish I could fly a unicorn
- The most satisfying position – Thankfully this isn’t the one where they explain to you how to find your mans G-Spot using nothing but your pinky, a headlamp and some braai tongs. Trust me ladies, when I laid all of our different braai tongs out on the kitchen counter for Dalekins to "pick his poison" it apparently is not the size of the braai tongs that scares a man – it was the fact that I was running the batteries down on his headlamp that fucked him off… I know right. So inconsiderate.
This article will tell you that you need to follow the simple steps of the karma sutra, using a rubber chicken, a ladder and extending your right leg behind you left ear! Seriously, my joints doth protest, I can’t even cross my legs anymore for fuck sakes!!
Mine is simple: How about we do a 68? You go down on me and I’ll get you later.
- Are you too Open? – How do you fill up an entire article of this shit? Are you telling him the consistency of your number 2’s? Yes / No? If No, you’re fine…. If yes… how in Gods name do you keep track of how much corn there is, I’ve always tried and found it quite challenging, I have even taken to keeping an abacus with me next to the loo but Dalekins took offense. I may be too open.
- Cheat Proof Your Relationship! – Um… don’t ever have Kate Beckinsale come over to your house.
There’s just no two ways about it, I’m going to have to get used to buying “older lady” magazines, but fear not, I will only use my new found skills like “knitting” for evil…
Everyone gets a knitted Barbie doll toilet paper holder for Christmas!!