I am so heart sick now.

I have just seen pictures of your new plaque.  The church apparently made it for you.

It’s beautiful.  But you really break my heart, DO YOU KNOW THAT!

I have to get excited over a plaque.  Not a picture of you travelling the world, not a picture of us laughing.  No, a cold plaque stuck up on a wall.

Fourteen years and I cannot look, I cannot see, I cannot hear anything about you without clenching my teeth to calm the sob that wants to rip out of my chest.

Damn you. You make me cry ALL THE TIME.

No, see, not damn you, I’m sorry I don’t mean that.

I can’t even swear at you without feeling bad because you’re not here to defend yourself.

But that’s YOUR fault!

You were my maaitjie.  The person who stood next to me through ALL the naughty things I got up to, not because you were brave that way and wanted to take flack from our parents with me, but because you were always in the thick of it with me.  If we didn’t see eachother for a while it was because we were BOTH grounded!

I loved you my friend. I love you still.  I miss you.  But you make me so angry that I can’t walk up to you and smack you on the side of your head and say “what were you thinking!”

Because you weren’t thinking.  Or you would have known that taking yourself away from us was the most painful thing you could ever have done.  I would rather have sat with you till the wee hours every morning of our lives until you could smile again than stand over your grave and say good bye.

You piss me off! I know you’re in a better place, but what about US!

Today, it’s not ok.

EDIT:  See… an hour later and I already feel bad about writing this post.  About yelling at you.  I do forgive you for going away, you didn’t understand what you meant to me, to your sister, your mom and many many people who thought the sun rose and set in your bum.  You didn’t leave us because you were slefish, you did it because you didn’t see any other way out. The anger just gets to me some times, I hope you understand.

Tags: David