10 Things you didn’t know about me (I like pinna colladas, and getting caught in the rain)

10 Things you would never do (Swim in my money like Scrooge McDuck – I’d spend that shit)

10 Shapes you’ve made with your Boogas (A bust of Dalekins – it fell apart – I had flu, it was of substandard consistency, I cannot be blamed)

Etc etc.

BUT nooooo, I’mmmmmmm going to do a different list, because I’m smartarsey like that

10 things you wish you had NEVER read on this here incredibly smartarsey blog:

1) If you eat take-aways often, you will swallow about 12 pubic hairs a year. (Says Who?)

Um, what are people doing behind that drive-thru window before they give you your food should concern you more?! (one for youuuuu *yank*) Hair nets people, hair nets… or upon hindsight, maybe a cricket box!

2) Elephantitis is caused by mosquitos

Now listen up men, if you’re flagging in the um size department (just saying) you mayyyyy want to hang your pecker out around dusk, without mozzie spray, and without your willy warmer on. Use it. Don’t use it.

3) In one year you will have shaken hands with 6 men who masturbated and didn’t wash their hands before shaking yours.

*blink* I feel dirty and I don’t know why.

4) Every year 14 bugs will find their way into your mouth, yes, you will swallow them without even knowing.

Bugs will “FIND” their way into my mouth! What did I ever do to youuuu?

5) Farts are created mostly by Ecoli and other bacteria that are microfarting in you.

They’re doing what? (It’s not me Dalekinsssssssssssssss *fweep* *flutter lashes* the bacteria’s been on the beans agaaaaaain)

6) Cockroaches have teeth in the stomachs.

Awesome. So just make sure you never end up in a cockroaches tummy.

 7) In one day you will enhale 1 liter of other peoples anal gasses

Get away from meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!! All of youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!

 8) Women fart 3 times more often than men

We do not! We talk way too much to ever build up that amount of air. Besides, we’d blame the dog anyway.

 9) Germs found in human poo can pass through up to 10 layers of toilet paper

Annnnnd thattttts why I’m a scruncher!!!

 10) The longest tapeworm ever found in a human was 35 meters long

I’m curious. Did he expel that the normal way? By having a number 2, annnnnnnd who I ask, unfolded it to MEASURE IT! (“Mommmmmmmmmmm can you bring me your sewing tapppppppppppppppppe!”)

That’s 3 minutes of your life you’ll never get back…