We drove to Graskop before going to Kruger Park and man oh man did these two NOT take a liking to our roads.

I must point out here, they are both doctors, so are usually elbow deep in spleen and arteries most of their days, and yet, our teensy weensy potholes struck terror in their hearts!

It got so bad that eventually the poor girl (they were following in the car behind us) was almost in tears after slamming on breaks to avoid each and every little pothole they came across. Dalekins and I were shlaloming around them like pro’s ofcourse! (Maybe SA should try “potholing” as an Olympic sport? )

Granted, sometimes the potholes were SO big that Dalekins had to stop the car, we both had to jump out, run into the bushes, come out with a few logs and swiftly rope them together to make a bridge using only dental floss and bubblegum (I watched a lot of McGyver as a kid! Although I don’t really like using that red knife he always had on him. It breaks my nails when I try to open it. So I just throw it at people when I need to).

Anyhoo, they found this whole pothole nonsense to be very stressful. You can imagine their distress when we took them to a place called “Burke’s Luck Potholes” the next day! “They have a whole Park for POTHOLES!! What kind of a country is this!!”

Bleh so they didn’t like our roads. But also didn’t take a liking to our Coke Floats. What the hell! Who doesn’t like coke floats! They said it was “strange”. They also said that drinking milk and sugar in your tea was “strange”. Biltong “Strange”.

Mannnnnnnnn, you guys run around in clogs all day! (Amsterdam must be very loud?)

So off to Kruger we went

Accommodation – fantastic! Right in the bush I tell ya! A Bed so big we could BOTH do bed angels and not even touch each other! Downside though was that we weren’t allowed to walk around at night without calling a porter to come and accompany us, for “safety”.

Um… to protect us from what!? Annnnnnnd he wasn’t even a ninja or anything, it was just a dude! What would he have done if a leopard had pounced from the shadows and eaten my face off!!? Thrown a shoe at it??

God in heaven, anyhoo!

Animals! Score!

All the animals were sweet enough to time their shtooping so when we got there,
everything had babies!

Animal Count:

Elephants X LOTS: The day we were leaving, Dalekins mentions that it would be cool if we could see an elephant family (we had only seen the bachelor loner types) and what happens! The words aren’t even out of his mouth and to our left comes a mom, and her 2 babies!! (Well the one was more like a teenager – I knew this because he looked all narfy and was wearing his skin lower on his bum) *awed look at Dalekins* Quickly Dale ask to see a tree full of leopards and some hyena playing cards – Oh and for us to win the Powerball!!

Lions X LOTS: Our first night game drive, we’re driving along all slow-like having a looksey for you know…. ANYTHING (pickings were slim!) when the ranger gets a call on his radio (some loud shouting in Shangaan – everything sounds so angry) anyhoo, he says “I am going to drive a beeet faster now to see if we can maybe “find” somethinggg”

We’re thinking Yayyyy! Shortly after thinking yay, I was thinking: should have worn a sports braaaaaaa! There we were flying over the gravel, snotcicles hanging off our noses, bugs in our teeth, and I’m praying, Please God let this be worth it, and not just some game ranger who absolutely LOVES dung beetles and has just been alerted to one found in an elephant poo somewhere!

But no, 3 Male Lions… just walking along the side of the road – tres cool!

Funny little birds that look like Grouse X Lots: These guys are really stupid! They kept running in FRONT of the jeep, they had a death wish!! And then just when you think they were going to get hit, they fly up and shriek really loudly, and you just know they’re letting us have it: “Hey assss-holllllle I’m walkinnnnnnn eeeeere!!!” (and if they had hands they would definitely be flipping us the bird! – can birds flip the bird?)

Jackals
Zebra X 1
Owl X 1
Eagles munching a Monitor Lizard
Rhino family WITH a baby!
Impalas: Game Ranger said they’re the “peanuts” for lions…. Not very nice of him pffft!
Honey Badgers X2: Rarer than chickens teeth I tell ya!
Water Buck: They kind of come with a target already painted on their butts – very cruel!
Buffalo: Talk about a close encounter! We’re stopped for drinks on the gravel road (as you do) Dalekins and I with our gin & tonics and snacks trying to ogle the Buffalo that are over theerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre (needed Binocs).

Game Ranger: So if I get us closer, and we get stuck, will you help us get the jeep out?

Dalekins and Ollykins: Absolutely!

I’m thinking: Are you high?

There I am about to delicately sip my G&T and the ranger FLOORS it, balls to wall off the roads *bump bump bump* and gets us to within about 5 meters to these Buffalo. They were not impressed. We. Were very impressed. There we were sipping our sundowners amongst the Buffalos!

*munches biltong*
*looks at Buffalo*
*Buffalo looks at me, looks at biltong, looks back at me*
*looks at biltong*
*looks at Buffalo*

Buffalo looks mad.

*puts biltong down*
*picks up dried apricot*

*smiles sweetly* “Sorry! Cheers!” *lifts G&T*

Funniest moment of trip?

I wake up in the early hours on Saturday morning to go for a wee, walk into the bathroom, and see a mouse. Well, it’s kind of a mouse mixed with a chipmunk! Very cute, sitting right in my shoe. So I ignore it, thinking it’ll go away.

Dalekins wakes up the next morning, walks to the loo scratching his butt, yawning, you know how it goes…

I follow and start brushing my teeth.

Mouse / chipmunky thing forgotten!

It bites me right on my toe! (Wonder if I’ll turn into anything?)

“Ouch” *monotone voice*

Dalekins: Whatsittt?

Tashkins: I just got bit by a mouse *monotone voice*

Mouse runs into loo with Dalekins

Dalekins: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Mother of GODDDDDDDD aaaaaaaaaaaaa

Kruger Park was the dogs bollocks! (that means “awesome” to those of you who don’t have disgusting filthy potty mouths like me – you can blame my mom for my sailors mouth because thaaaaat’s what happens when you would rather use your bar of Lux to wash your botty instead of sticking it in your child mouth!)

I digress though – All my limbs are attached! No Rabid zebras attacked… although I do have a narfy looking bite on my bum… They always go for the bum.

“Ooooh I’ll bite HERE becauze it’zz going to be funny az all poopzz vatching her trying to put zome zort of cream on zhe bite, and also I will cauze zhe maximum amount of dizcomfort as she zeems to spend a large amount of time zitting on it!” (no, the “s” isn’t broken on my keyboard, all mozzies talk like nazi’s!) – HATE mozzies, they are from the devils bum. Their sole purpose in life is to suck you up through that stupid little nozzle! It’s not very neighbourly.

Well I can see the bite! (I think the farking space station can see it) I can manoeuvre my bum cheek around to have a good look actually. (I feel like this is one of those things that I should have kept to myself). Which just means I have to a) lay off the cheesecake and b) stop… sleeping with my nude bum in the air….?

Anyhoo.

I have picked up about 20 kilos because all our resort did was feed us. All the time. Mid-game drive morning snack. Breakfast. Mid-morning after breakfast snack. Lunch. High tea (which by the way doesn’t mean you have to sit all snooty like with your pinky in the air sipping tea like a dame and saying things like “jolly good show chap”. Well I tried that, but Dalekins kept asking me what the hell was in my scones! Nor does it mean you get served “happy cakes”). Mid-game drive snack. Dinner. Then they roll you to your room where it can start all over the next day.

Terrible life. God in heaven please stop feeding me! *Whisper*

So anyhoo, must run, will tell all gory details about our lion attack tomorrow (ok that’s a lie – but I’m just trying to keep you interested in my story here!)

Must go work now, or atleast highlight my 400 unread emails, click “mark all as read” and then randomly tick a few flags to make it look as if I’ve worked on them.

Em *cough* If someone from work reads this… you really must stop drinking from the water fountain in the kitchen, I heard a rumour someone diddled it with vodka and it makes you hallucinate…