We drove to Graskop before going to Kruger Park and man oh man did these two NOT take a liking to our roads.

I must point out here, they are both doctors, so are usually elbow deep in spleen and arteries most of their days, and yet, our teensy weensy potholes struck terror in their hearts!

It got so bad that eventually the poor girl (they were following in the car behind us) was almost in tears after slamming on breaks to avoid each and every little pothole they came across. Dalekins and I were shlaloming around them like pro’s ofcourse! (Maybe SA should try “potholing” as an Olympic sport? )

Granted, sometimes the potholes were SO big that Dalekins had to stop the car, we both had to jump out, run into the bushes, come out with a few logs and swiftly rope them together to make a bridge using only dental floss and bubblegum (I watched a lot of McGyver as a kid! Although I don’t really like using that red knife he always had on him. It breaks my nails when I try to open it. So I just throw it at people when I need to).

Anyhoo, they found this whole pothole nonsense to be very stressful. You can imagine their distress when we took them to a place called “Burke’s Luck Potholes” the next day! “They have a whole Park for POTHOLES!! What kind of a country is this!!”

Bleh so they didn’t like our roads. But also didn’t take a liking to our Coke Floats. What the hell! Who doesn’t like coke floats! They said it was “strange”. They also said that drinking milk and sugar in your tea was “strange”. Biltong “Strange”.

Mannnnnnnnn, you guys run around in clogs all day! (Amsterdam must be very loud?)

So off to Kruger we went

Accommodation – fantastic! Right in the bush I tell ya! A Bed so big we could BOTH do bed angels and not even touch each other! Downside though was that we weren’t allowed to walk around at night without calling a porter to come and accompany us, for “safety”.

Um… to protect us from what!? Annnnnnnd he wasn’t even a ninja or anything, it was just a dude! What would he have done if a leopard had pounced from the shadows and eaten my face off!!? Thrown a shoe at it??

God in heaven, anyhoo!

Animals! Score!

All the animals were sweet enough to time their shtooping so when we got there,
everything had babies!

Animal Count:

Elephants X LOTS: The day we were leaving, Dalekins mentions that it would be cool if we could see an elephant family (we had only seen the bachelor loner types) and what happens! The words aren’t even out of his mouth and to our left comes a mom, and her 2 babies!! (Well the one was more like a teenager – I knew this because he looked all narfy and was wearing his skin lower on his bum) *awed look at Dalekins* Quickly Dale ask to see a tree full of leopards and some hyena playing cards – Oh and for us to win the Powerball!!

Lions X LOTS: Our first night game drive, we’re driving along all slow-like having a looksey for you know…. ANYTHING (pickings were slim!) when the ranger gets a call on his radio (some loud shouting in Shangaan – everything sounds so angry) anyhoo, he says “I am going to drive a beeet faster now to see if we can maybe “find” somethinggg”

We’re thinking Yayyyy! Shortly after thinking yay, I was thinking: should have worn a sports braaaaaaa! There we were flying over the gravel, snotcicles hanging off our noses, bugs in our teeth, and I’m praying, Please God let this be worth it, and not just some game ranger who absolutely LOVES dung beetles and has just been alerted to one found in an elephant poo somewhere!

But no, 3 Male Lions… just walking along the side of the road – tres cool!

Funny little birds that look like Grouse X Lots: These guys are really stupid! They kept running in FRONT of the jeep, they had a death wish!! And then just when you think they were going to get hit, they fly up and shriek really loudly, and you just know they’re letting us have it: “Hey assss-holllllle I’m walkinnnnnnn eeeeere!!!” (and if they had hands they would definitely be flipping us the bird! – can birds flip the bird?)

Jackals
Zebra X 1
Owl X 1
Eagles munching a Monitor Lizard
Rhino family WITH a baby!
Impalas: Game Ranger said they’re the “peanuts” for lions…. Not very nice of him pffft!
Honey Badgers X2: Rarer than chickens teeth I tell ya!
Water Buck: They kind of come with a target already painted on their butts – very cruel!
Buffalo: Talk about a close encounter! We’re stopped for drinks on the gravel road (as you do) Dalekins and I with our gin & tonics and snacks trying to ogle the Buffalo that are over theerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre (needed Binocs).

Game Ranger: So if I get us closer, and we get stuck, will you help us get the jeep out?

Dalekins and Ollykins: Absolutely!

I’m thinking: Are you high?

There I am about to delicately sip my G&T and the ranger FLOORS it, balls to wall off the roads *bump bump bump* and gets us to within about 5 meters to these Buffalo. They were not impressed. We. Were very impressed. There we were sipping our sundowners amongst the Buffalos!

*munches biltong*
*looks at Buffalo*
*Buffalo looks at me, looks at biltong, looks back at me*
*looks at biltong*
*looks at Buffalo*

Buffalo looks mad.

*puts biltong down*
*picks up dried apricot*

*smiles sweetly* “Sorry! Cheers!” *lifts G&T*

Funniest moment of trip?

I wake up in the early hours on Saturday morning to go for a wee, walk into the bathroom, and see a mouse. Well, it’s kind of a mouse mixed with a chipmunk! Very cute, sitting right in my shoe. So I ignore it, thinking it’ll go away.

Dalekins wakes up the next morning, walks to the loo scratching his butt, yawning, you know how it goes…

I follow and start brushing my teeth.

Mouse / chipmunky thing forgotten!

It bites me right on my toe! (Wonder if I’ll turn into anything?)

“Ouch” *monotone voice*

Dalekins: Whatsittt?

Tashkins: I just got bit by a mouse *monotone voice*

Mouse runs into loo with Dalekins

Dalekins: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Mother of GODDDDDDDD aaaaaaaaaaaaa

Finally a career that we can relate to! Or at least that’s according to the President of the Society of Women Engineers. Goodness. Could you find a more boring sounding Society… No, but in America they do have a society called “The American Donkey and Mule Society” (I was too scared to click on the link in case it opened something that wanted to know if I am 18 years or older and if I preferred Farm or Domestic). I feel dirty all of a sardine and I don’t know why…

Anyhoo I digress, this president bird says, and I quote: “As a computer engineer, Barbie will show girls that women can design products that have an important and positive impact on people’s everyday lives,”

And her clothes…? “geek chic” in a binary code-patterned T-shirt, pink-framed glasses, a pink laptop and a Bluetooth earpiece. …a binary code patterned t-shirt. Emmm… Ok so clearly you cannot be clever AND dress slightly feminine, oh no no no… you have to dress like a tranny who’s still a bit confused about which side of the fence they want to be sitting on. But it’s all okaaaaaay because they have included PINK glasses, a Bluetooth earpiece and a PINK Laptop.

How the feck she’s planning on typing on this laptop is a mystery with those glued together fingers but anyway…

See now, if I was a little girl still, if this here “Computer Engineer Barbie” was kitted out in a Wonder Bra, white linen shirt, black pencil skirt and a gorgeous pair of Christian Louboutins I would be on that doll like a fat kid on cake! But no…

Speaking of Christian Louboutins… did you know that Barbie has more than a billion pair of shoes! And Imelda Marcos made the news for a mere 3000…

I s’pose we can’t be too upset, the lady is missing her genitals… Barbie… not Imelda.

As a matter of fact, why do we covet Barbie so much when we’re little girls?

She can’t blink – do you have any idea how dry your eyeballs would get!?

But on the flip side of that, I suppose she would OWN you in a staring competition.

She can NEVER stop smiling – even when you shave her head thinking her hair will grow back (I knew not what I did I swear!)

And my favourite…? She can’t do shit about it if you turn her head around to face the wall …

Gods! Talking of spinning heads, I just thought of an awesome new Barbie doll… Exorcist Barbie! (Comes with vat of green slime, pees on your carpet and every time you push that little button on her belly she tries to stab you in the eye with a crucifix) Thank feck these things don’t come with voice boxes like those creepy crying baby dolls… can you imagine being woken up in the middle of the night by your Exorcist Barbie whispering “I am the devil and I am going to eat your spleeeeeen little girrrrrrl”

My father would have found her mangled remains in the lawnmower if that had been the case….

Another disturbing fact: Barbie has in her life time owned 43 pets including 21 dogs, 12 horses, 3 ponies, 6 cats, a parrot, a chimpanzee, a panda, a lion cub, a giraffe and a zebra. ….

Hmmm no mule?

That is a shit load of animals considering she’s only 51. What is she doing to these poor creatures!? Have you heard any word lately about this panda…? I am not quite sure, but someone needs to get the Society for Humane Treatment of Plastic Exotic and African Creatures involved here…