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27 Nov 2012

I gotz me some sick skillzz yo!

Author: Tash | Filed under: Uncategorized

Ok so I had to share this cause I think it’s funny as BALLS!

So you can take any website and “Gizoogle” it, which then takes that website and in my case my good grammar and proper engerrrrlish *snort* and makes it GHETTO my niggas! Wait… can I say nigga? *gangsta hand flick* don’t be hatin! (Thanks Irene for this site, you’ve not only amused me immensely (I am absolutely sending my next work communication through this site before emailing it) but also somehow made me question whether I’m a rampant racist – which I am not by the way… do not be bustin no caps in ma ass…)

So anyhoo… I gizoogled my 50 Shades of Grey post and it even Gizoogled your comments if you left them… You be talking tight yo! (seriously go read how foul mouthed you’ve become) Ok… I’ll stop now… only because someone as pasty white as myself should never be acting like I’m from the hood. And also because I just can’t pull it off… my arse is too big to pull my jeans halfway down and still look cool… and then the crotch of my pants hangs at my knee caps and threaten to fling me to the floor every time I take a step and I end up looking like one of those people who have only realized after they’ve done their business that there is no more toilet paper and you then have to do the shuffle to the cupboard.   You homies got some skilllllzzzz… ok really I’ll stop now … it’stoomuchfunthough. *toe in sand*

Have a read!

50 Shadez of Gay

Author: Tash | Filed under: Uncategorized

How tha fuck oh How tha fuck can I not have written bout 50 Shadez of Gay yet, biatch? Da Horror!

Now unless yo ass live under a rock yo ass would have heard bout dis book series by now, nahmeean, biatch? Or tha jokes dat follow it… “I gotz banned from Exclusive Books tha other dizzle fo’ movin tha “Wet Floor” sign away from tha 50 Shadez of Gay section…”

Described as “Mommy Porn” fo’ some bizarre reason of which I don’t understand cuz frankly I don’t think ejectin a lil pimp from yo’ vajazzle should elicit it’s own genre of books n’ if it do, well then by Dogg I want a genre fo’ untainted vajazzle’s!

Our vajazzle’s have tha muthafuckin right ta read too!

Anyhoo, if yo ass be a biatch n’ have not read dis book yet, then I’m afraid we’re goin ta have ta vote yo ass off tha island.

This book series is like Mills n’ Boons but instead of throbbin thugz n’ flowerin petals yo ass have whips, chains n’ butt plugs. BUTT PLUGS gangstas, it’s like tha Encyclopedia Britannica, if tha Encyclopedia Britannica was bout Nipple clamps n’ all thangs Bondage-y!

Why is all dem hoes up in tha ghetto becomin straight-up obsessed wit dis book, biatch? Well cuz it’s tha absolute impossible scenario.  Shizzle like dis don’t happen up in tha real ghetto. Right back up up in yo muthafuckin ass.

A playa whoz ass takes charge, muthafucka! Chicks dig dat shit. Unless you’re spittin some lyrics ta our asses ta do dishes and make yo ass a sandwich cuz well then fuckyouverymuch.

A Gorgeous, 27 year oldschool Bizzleionaire wit mommy issues n’ a cravin fo’ a bit of slap n’ tickle, falls fo’ a ho whoz ass hit dat shizzle up in a hardware store n’ do straight-up everythang up in his thugged-out lil’ juice ta git her includin buyin her a Audi R8, a wardrobe of designa clothes, flies her around up in a helicopter, laptops, phones, oh yes n’ gives her tha dopest orgazzles she’s ever had. Ever. Everrrrrrrrrrrr.

Soundz awful.

And all he wantz up in return…, biatch? To spank her muthafuckin ass.

Boo fuckin hoo Anastasia Steele.

Only up in a book would dis cause any biatch ta have a existential crisis.  Who be I, biatch? Do I mind bein spanked, biatch? Should I strutt away from all of dis cuz he occasionizzlely wantz ta stick some shiznit up mah bottom?

Is yo ass RETARDED!

Problems I have wit dis book n’ why it’s different ta mah life:

  • She’s a virgin.  It’s like spottin a unicorn wit a rainbow comin up of it’s butt.
  • Biatch don’t like ta eat. No comment… here… hold mah chips.
  • Biatch says “Oh My…” a lot, muthafucka! Shut. Da yo. Hell. Up. Yes he’s tryin ta stick metal bowlin balls dat vibrate up yo’ hoo-hooo but straight-up, biatch? Sacrifices!, muthafucka! It’s just like goin ta tha gynae gangstas, only difference is dat he’s gorgeous, yo ass know him, it feels phat n’ he don’t tap yo ass on tha tummy n’ say “Let’s peep what’s up in mah Christmas box!” (Incidentally, I no longer go ta dat gynae!)
  • Biatch allows a playa ta spank her straight-up hard, n’ then burstz tha fuck into tears. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Shamepies. If Dizzykins had ta attempt spankin mah crazy ass on tha arse without mah express permission I’d junk punch his ass so hard our pimped out grandlil pimps would still gotz a slight indentation on they foreheads!
  • Dude tizzles her up wit his dopest grey tie.  If Dizzykins had ta try tyin mah crazy ass up wit one of his dopest ties, I’d have ta bust a cap up in tha proceedings immediately cuz bein tied up wit some shiznit dat he gotz when he was 16 n’ still has batman on it just don’t do it fo’ me. That… n’ I’d be all bout tha …”Yo Ass mo’ betta make these knotz loose, n’ fo’ tha ludd of Dogg you’re not tyin tha Winchesta properly!, muthafucka! It’s round, round n’ all up in tha hoop Dizzy!, muthafucka! Dizzy… DALE… where is yo ass going… I’m still tied ta tha bed *hisssssssssssss*”

Otherwise dis series is straight-up decadent, indulgent n’ a must read n’ will make yo ass feel like yo ass have kicked a bag of puppies when yo ass finish dat shit.

Unless dat wouldn’t make yo ass sad.

In which case… yo ass sicko.

They’re bustin tha porno now, nahmeean?  My fuckin vote goes fo’ dis Christian Gay!

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4 Responses ta “50 Shadez of Gay”

  1. Wendy Says:
    July 31st, 2012 at 3:20 pm OMW yes , muthafucka! I SOOOOO agreee – RG fo’ Christian Gay !
  2. m13l13 Says:
    July 31st, 2012 at 3:26 pm 3 thangs dat done cooked up mah crazy ass laugh todizzle:
    - a hoo-hooo
    - a tummy tappin Gynae
    - a junk punch

    If i ever git Parkinstons, i’ll become a gynae, muthafucka! I’ll make mazillions!

  3. Tweedledee Says:
    July 31st, 2012 at 4:10 pm I agree wit yo’ choice of hunk fo’ Fifty Shades :) buckwild as always :) when is YOU gonna write a sexy book fo’ our asses Tash?
  4. Annie Says:
    July 31st, 2012 at 6:07 pm Oh my. Yo Crazy-Ass dopest work ta date!!

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3 Responses to “I gotz me some sick skillzz yo!”

  1. Kate Says:

    my head hurts after reading this

  2. Irene Says:

    OMG I prompted a post! A POST!
    Who da maaaan? I’M da man!
    Oh yea-ah! Oh yea-AH!

  3. Mentally "Challenged" Brunette Says:

    I have just come along your blog, by looking for pigs in some form or other and came across the Rapunzelesque with ginger plaits (my fave to date btw!!) anyway I digress, you are an absolute scream!! You have brightened up a miserable shit of a day in dark! wet! London! Keep it up or write a comedy as your narrative including my favourite swear word (fuckknuckle) is now firmly locked in my nut to use at BT under my breath!! (BT – Bitch Tits – HE has moobs). :-)

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