Christmas ListAuthor: Tash | Filed under: Uncategorized
So it’s almost Christmas AND my birthday (11 December – Just saying) and if you know me at all, you’ll be well aware that I LOVE presents. Like… love them. Hard. Like Gollum. So in the spirit of generosity, I thought I would put together my Christmas list so long… you know in case any of you would like to start saving so you can heap loot on me.
Now bear with me here, I am feeling particularly greedy this year:
Seriously who wouldn’t want one of these? I could use it in my swimming pool… although the idea of being shot 30 feet high at 30 miles per hour (however high and fast that is – fucking METRIC system people, ever heard of it!!) terrifies me a little because I fear I may impale myself on one of the palm trees that sway gently in the breeze around my pool and break my vagina.
This is AWESOME! A flying shark! My neighbours wouldn’t know WHAT hit them. There they are lazing by their pool when BOOM! A shark gently flies over the wall… knock knock motherfuckers! Oh how I will laugh and laugh.
I know right… every shot will swiftly be followed by “Cheeezas my fucking eyeeeeeeeeeeee” or your colleagues looking up all irritated while rubbing the backs of their heads and glaring around the room suspiciously. You could even attach little threatening messages to the ballistas (whatever the fuck a ballista is) like “That’s the last time you use MY coffee cup bitch!” (No really, everyone at work who is reading this stop using my fucking coffee cup or you’re going to get it!)
Seriously, I don’t even feel the need to explain this one. It’s a life size tyrannosaurusrex for fuck sakes.
This one is more for Dalekins to be honest… it’s one of these or hand sanitizer!
This one I feel is more of a “must have” rather than a “It’s so fluffffffyyyyy I neeeeed it”. I always have to pee atleast once a night, and because my husband is trying to kill me and strategically places his flip flops right in the middle of the passage in the hopes that I will trip and impale myself on the toilet brush in the dark, I feel that with a bit of illumination emanating from the bog roll, it will scupper his plans and I will live for another day.
I know right… *taps head* and to think one day this brain will have to die.
Passive aggresive I most certainly am not. But in the Christmas spirit, I feel like I need to start toning down my severe aggression when I get angry, and these would be perfect! So instead of yelling at someone that I want to push them down the stairs like a slinky and then go to their house and stick my finger in their peanutbutter, I may present them with a nifty business card that says it all “Hey dipshit, your hair smells funny” or something of the like. Which you could deliver with a deadpan face, hand them the card and then do that whole “Im watching you” with the 2 finger eye poke thing while walking backwards away from them.
So much more I want… the Tron motorcycle, Glow in the dark crowbar, Pet Hoodies, a Walk-On-Water ball… but I feel like I may be pushing my luck with you all now. So do let me know who’s buying me what because there’s nothing worse than getting double gifts… unless it’s the T-Rex. That. Would. Be. EPIC!!