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16 Aug 2013

Bachelors BroCode

Author: Tash | Filed under: Uncategorized

So I was chatting to a friend today about a bachelors that he’d been to recently, and OBVIOUSLY my first question to him was “What did you guys do to the poor guy, and where did you go?” and I was met with a prompt SHUTDOWN! “Men don’t talk about that.”

This is a rule I quite frankly think is just lame and I don’t understand it at all.

What is the big secret?

Girls are so honest :

  • We drank too many shots because guys kept buying us Blowjobs and wiggling their eyebrows at us.
  • Someone held my hair back and afterwards picked the carrots off my pumps (This is not MY bachelorettes by the way, a) I wasn’t wearing pumps… I was wearing penis slippers and b) I spewed carrots wayyyyyyyyy before we even went out – I like to say it was a tactical chunder due to the eleventy-hundred penis shaped vodka jellies I gulped down (Don’t judge me – I needed dutch courage… there is something about having your future mother-in-law in the room while you pick out vibrators that made me need a few stiff shots okay!!)
  • I sniggered at all the other girls when “All the single ladies” came on and tried to smugly stick my engagement ring under their noses but ended up tripping on my way and just ended up boxing a girl in the tit. (It’s funny what people are prepared to forgive when you’re wearing a nuns outfit and have a balloon tied to your belt – for homing in and retrieval purposes I was told)
  • And then ofcourse there are the standard game cards that get given out: Sit on a man’s lap, look deeply into his eyes and tell him how beautiful you think his soul is.  Luckily for me my brother just happened to be in the same place so he got that one… *cough* we swore an oath to never talk of it again… sorry bro.
  • I jumped into a guys arms and made him carry me around for 20 minutes while I shouted “Thiiiiiis wayyyyyyyyyy…. Now Thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat wayyyyyyyyyyy” (I may have been using his ear as a rudder)

Andddd so forth and so forth…

Now with men… you just get stonewalled, or the “What happens at the Bachelors STAYS at the bachelors.”

I only have one way of fully understanding this response:

The groom did something really REALLY bad:

  • You went to a stripclub and instead of awkwardly trying to look everywhere BUT at the vagina that is currently gyrating in your face to “Poisonnnnn” you actually screwed the stripper in question and now have genital warts the size of cabbages?
  • You bonked a hooker – She is now buried in your best friends garden under his wife’s favourite petunia’s.
  • You all take your clothes off, dance around a fire before partaking in a gay orgy of epic proportions while “YMCA” pumped in the background.
  • The groom was forced to simulate sex with a chicken.  The chicken never sent flowers or called afterwards.

Either way it’s got to be really bad, something that would ensure that the wedding actually would not take place should the bride hear of it… otherwise why the secrecy and strict following of BROCODE boys… do tell?

Because if you’re just sitting around a fire drinking Old Brown sherry, finger-knitting penis shaped sock puppets and swopping Lemon meringue recipes I’m going to be pretty fucking disappointed.

I got one bit of information, yes ONLY one from Dalekins Bachelors, and that was only because who WOULDN’T want to show off a video of a bunch of grown men dancing with SHEEP to “One Love”?

(I’m ashamed to say I Googled “Sexy sheep” to get this picture)

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2 Responses to “Bachelors BroCode”

  1. Tweedledee Says:

    Nearly spewed my lunch all over my work, thanks for the laughs :)

  2. Irene Says:

    Oh Treaks, a post! Sniff!
    I’m a happy girly now.
    Spank you.

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