17 Sep 2015

Go Go Gadget Vagina!

Author: Tash | Filed under: Uncategorized

Wow, so I haven’t written anything since the 80’s.  This makes me a sad panda.

Apparently when you fall pregnant, your brain literally does turn to mush, or maybe that’s just me. Or MAYBE it’s because everyone around me has become super responsible because we have a little pinkfoot in the house now, so I cannot regale anyone with brandy soaked tales of Dalekins vomiting in his shoes, or being absolutely convinced there was a tokolosh in our garden.  Ok, ok, to be fair, that was more “mushroom” fuelled than brandy…  and by mushrooms, no I don’t mean the button variety from Woolies, I mean the stuff that entailed me having to crush it in a mortar and pestle and pour it into shot glasses (I am like the Nigella of the drug world – wait, isn’t Nigella the Nigella of the drug world..?)

Anyhoo just on that story, let me just say mushrooms don’t work on me. I am mushroom proof, I can’t even get stoned correctly for fuck sakes, which left me being the babysitter to Dalekins and two other guys (I won’t divulge details of who they were incase their moms are avid blog readers, and why wouldn’t they be? I am awesome). But incase Dalekins family reads this, then by mushrooms I definitely mean the button mushroom variety. Anyhoo yes, Dalekins became convinced that there was a tokolosh running in our garden, he even kicked a ball at “it’s head”. Because if I were a tokolosh, that’s what I’d be scared of… a drunk guy trying to kick me in the head with a tennis ball…

I don’t quite know how I got on to the story. But I have been suffering from serious writers block, so I have decided to just write a lot of crap until inspiration strikes again… bear with me now! I mean a lot has happened in my life the past year and a half, but I am positive no one wants to read about the horror that was my vagina after giving birth… (Or maybe you do, maybe I should do a VAGINA poll?) tore myself a new one I did and ended up having what I lovingly now refer to as The GREAT ETHIOPIAN CIRCUMSCISION.  (<- potential Title to my next post?)

If you would like to read about The GREAT ETHIOPIAN CIRCUMSCISION then comment with the hashtag #GoGoGadgetVag maybe we can trend on Twitter because my Vagina trending on twitter would make my life. Ok no wait this is all just false advertising. By saying #GoGoGadgetVag I am giving the impression that my vagina can infact do cool things like shoot a spiderweb… or be invisible (wouldn’t that piss Dalekins off!)  I’m just going to leave this here.

Or I could just turn this into a mommy blog, where I regale you with tales of boogers, poo consistency and 5 Reasons why toddlers are like drunk hobo’s. But imagine the horror of mommies finding this blog expecting to hear actual advise on teething and not “Put a generous helping of brandy on the gums, and then continue to slowly pour capfuls for yourself until teething no longer bothers you!”

Possibilities are endless…

Here’s a goat for taking the time to read this stupid blog post.

5 Responses to “Go Go Gadget Vagina!”

  1. tweedledee Says:

    YAY you’re back :) FINALLY

  2. Tracy Says:

    Welcome back Lambchop! You will note mother dearest has said nothing about the Woolies mushrooms? Maybe its a delayed reaction, like when she fàlls and forgets to put her hands out… Or maybe you can just get away with Woolies mushrooms??? Must be younger sibling syndrome…. Reminds me I need to hang out at your house more… Too cool for school

  3. Tash Says:

    Hahaha, it’s what happens when you’re nearing your 40’s, you fear NOTHING!!!…and besides… “mush-rooms” only has 2 syllables in it, so I figured that was only 2 smacks…

  4. Irene Says:

    Well, just so you don’t think it’s just your family reading…
    Hi you! I guess you’re used to the whole choplet in the house thing by now. :-)
    Sooo, maybe you can find a few hours here and there to blog again? I MISS you. :-D

  5. tweedledee Says:

    Next time invite me to try the mushrooms as well, maybe then I WILL put my hands out when I fall, face planting has a new meaning for me :)

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