So I am completely hopped up on cough syrup and as I therefore have drug induced deniability I thought now is as good a time as any to tell you about how I flashed my vagina in Turkey.
Well no people, I wasn’t just wandering around the Blue Mosque and all of a sudden *pelvic thrust* WHAMMMMMM “Look at this vagina! Just look at it”! Because I am almost sure I would have gotten into some sort of a pickle. Like don’t they chop off your hands there if you steal…? (notheydon’t) I can’t afford to lose my vagina! And good luck getting that angle right with your sword suckkaaaa!! – sorry – again, I did warn you about being goofed on cough syrup.
Anyhoo on Dales and my last day in Istanbul, we decided to do one of the last things on our list for Turkey, and that was to go to a Turkish Hamam for a proper Turkish bath.
Now I had heard stories about these Hamams before, none of them pleasant. Something along the lines of you being led into a room and a big sweaty hairy Turkish guy will come in wearing only a thong and he will scrub your skin off and massage you and at some stage while he’s scrubbing you his sweaty hairy belly will be in your face, and you’ll wonder why you can taste ham and olives…. Well it was nothing like that!
So off we go to the Cagaloglu Hamam which is the most famous 300 year old hamam in Istanbul and is listed in the book entitled “1000 Things to do before you Die” and I’m thinking as long as this isn’t where good tourists come to die I’m happy with that!
So in we go, you select what “services” you want done off a menu (No Happy Endings listed) and then you get sent off in different directions. Obviously men and women are separated into different parts of the Hamam because Turkey is Muslim and they’re conservative. Also, I wouldn’t really want to be in a steam room with some random guy shaking his frank and beans at me!
Now this is where it all gets a bit confusing because where you paid your money at the reception, well that is where the English STOPS!
I went into a big room and a Turkish lady wearing a swimsuit walked up to me, put a key in my hand, grunted and pointed towards what looked like a changing room for me. She then swung her hand up and down me indicating obviously that I should take my clothes off!
Me: *confused face* All off? *swinging hand up and down trying to somehow indicate getting nude*
*grunt grunt* *nod*
Alrighty then. So I go into the changing room, take of all my clothes, and wrap like this cloth around my body, and then put a pair of wooden sandal clog type things that they leave outside your door, which I assumed were to stop me from slipping on the marble floors (Pffft – I nearly tore myself a new one TWICE just walking towards the bathing area!)
I came out of the changing area and was led through a huge wooden door into the bathing area which is an absolutely beautiful and very old massive marble chamber filled with steam and a massive marble slab which was in the middle of the room. On which sat 4 other tourists, chatting away. So I ambled over to the slab all nonchalant trying not to feel like a fart in a perfume factory and lay down on it thinking, meh, this isn’t hard, fake it till you make it, just relax and do what they’re doing. I assumed this was the steam part. So I lay down for about 10 minutes soaking up the steam. And then the “therapists” came in, some of them were just wearing bikini bottoms, boobs swaying back and forth, but mine was in a full costume and shorts. A Beautiful Turkish lady with bright red hair and blue eyes, not at all what I’d expected, clearly there was going to be no fat belly in my face tasting like ham.
She walked up to me grabbed me by the hand, yanked me off the slab and then indicated to me that I should take off the cloth and lay it on the slab – obviously so that I could lie on it and she would then massage me on it.
Oh. I see…
It’s at this stage where I realized while taking off my cloth that I noticed that all the other girls were wearing bikini bottoms too. But me… oh no sir, there I was in all my UNGROOMED glory! Fuck! Just fucking perfect!
She then led me gingerly towards a huge marble sink, “led me” because I was like a dog wearing ice skates at this stage! She dipped a silver bowl into the water and I was fully expecting a gentle watering down now, you know… a bit down each side to get you wet. Nope she tipped that bowl over my head over and over again, until I looked like a drowned rat!
Now I am ball ass nekkid, dripping like a drowned rat and walking back towards the marble, crouching, with my arms and legs out like a retard trying to not slip on my ass.
So I lie down and decide Fuck This, I am not going to let the fact that I am the only one in here completely naked bother me, just imagine you’re at the gynecologist, they see so many vaginas everyday, yours is NOT special.
Which was all fine and well until she started to soap me up. Every time she brushed her hand over my bits my eyes would shoot open like my finger had just slipped through the toilet paper and I’d think, OhGodOhGod it’s happening, I’m having my first lesbian experience!!
So they exfoliate you THOROUGHLY but it’s actually quite pleasant, less with a sea urchin like I was expecting and more with a gentle loofah, and then they soap you up and wash you before they begin to massage you, and this is where it got weird. I was lying on the slab, she lifted up legs up and sat under them and then let them lie over her lap where she then started to massage my legs, and at a stage had my one leg bent at a complete 90 degree angle to my body in other words, yes folks, the entire Hamam could see what I had eaten for breakfast that morning! Diesathousanddeaths.
Anyhoo. We move on. We go to therapy. We build bridges.
She made me sit up at a stage to massage my back and when I sat up all this soap went into my eyes and she noticed my discomfort, so off she went to fetch that silver bowl of water again and I assumed she would bring it to me so I could dip my hands into it and splash some water into my eyes to clear them… nope, she threw that water at me from like 5 meters away!
*splutter splutter* ffffffffffffffffttttttttt *splutter*
And then it was time to wash the hair, I haven’t had such a thorough scrubbing in all my life and my hair was so knotted when she was done that I looked like I had a big ass bird nest sitting ontop of my head!
But what an experience, I walked out of there feeling like a baby’s butt! So a definite must, but ladies, if you’re a bit shy, wear bikini bottoms, or atleast do some effing grooming or you WILL feel like you just stepped into an 80’s foreign porn fliek!
Co-incidentally Dalekins got to keep his towel on, and had a guy who looked just like Mario from the Super Mario brothers do his “service”. He said it was FANTASTIC, but he DID ask me for a stick of gum the minute we walked out of the place!