So last night, I did what any self-respecting red blooded woman in her sexual prime would do…
I went to watch Fifty shades darker… with my mother. *clutches pearls*
No. I didn’t lure her there either with the promise that it’s a doccie about Plascon paint palettes. She loves her some Christian Grey and a bit of slap and tickle! (Ooooog – Just writing that made me feel like I had just walked into school assembly butt naked).
She was under strict instructions this time though! I learnt my lesson after the last Fifty Shades debacle, where she kept grabbing my shoulder during every sex scene and making that “Ooooh thsthsthsthsthsthsths” sound!
– I’m still in therapy.
But not this time!
“Mom! You make ANY noise that makes me feel like an awkward teenager that has had the unfortunate experience of walking in on her parents during “nap” time, only to find out they are “wrestling” and I am straight up moving seats to go and sit next to that dodgy guy sitting alone 5 rows ahead with the dark glasses on! And FYI I am pretty sure I saw him whittling a hole into the bottom of his popcorn box and adjusting it to fit on his crotch, so do not make me do that!!
Alas, it was all good. Wine helped. A lot of wine.
Anyhoo, MAJOR SPOILER alert, so if you haven’t read the books and don’t actually know what comes next, you should just toodle off now. I don’t want to ruin your mommy-porn for you!
Now everyone knows WHY this book series took off like it did… a billionaire who looks like he’s been chiselled out of marble, falls for a plain looking girl, buys her lots of expensive shit, dotes on her and gives her 11ty orgasms a day. Easy to understand yes? What woman in her right mind would NOT want that (the slaps on the arse with a huge fly swatter aside).
But there are just some things we need to be realistic about. We’re giving our men a very difficult goal to aim for here, and quite frankly if they were to try and replicate Christian Grey’s tactics I fear it would not really go down like the fantasy we have just witnessed on the big screen.
Take the restaurant scene for example.
There they are. Candle-light twinkling. Looking deeply into each other’s eyes. He whispers to her “Take off your panties”. She bites her lips, reaches down and slowly wiggles out of her black strappy panties and hands them to him. He puts them in his pocket and gazes at her like a lion would gaze upon the fat gazelle that can’t run fast, cause…it’s…fat.
They leave, get into an elevator full of people, he bends down, runs his hand up her leg and then well, he’s not checking for oil under her hood, I’ll leave the rest to your imagination! I am not a Mills & Boons writer after all.
Now see…. In the REAL world.
In the Wimpy… bright fluorescent lights shining down making our eyes hurt.
Dalekins: Tash… take off your panties.
Dalekins: Your panties… take them off… *wiggles eyebrows*
Me: Errr…Why? Have you messed mustard on your shirt again?!
Dalekins: Oh for fuck sakes just take them off!
Me: Sheeeezusssss finnnnnnnne! *tries to wriggle out of panties while arse is sticking to red leather seats*
*toss at his stupid grinning face*
*lands right on his cheese and bacon burger*
Dalekins: *picks them up* *blinks*
“…these are bikini bottoms… from like… the 80’’s Tash”
Me: It’s wash day don’t judge me!
*watches while Dale awkwardly tries to make these massive granny broeks fit into his pocket*
*leaves wimpy* *gets in elevator*
*Dales leans down, runs his hand gently up my leg*
Aaaaaaargh!!! *swat* there’s a fucking spider on me!!! *accidentally kick him in the face*
Dalekins: *holding eye* You’re fucking hard work you know that?
…or the scene where he undresses her, throws her on the bed face first, and starts to spank her on her bum, and she squirms around orgasmically like it’s the best thing she has ever felt.
Erm, ja right…
Firstly if Dale had to throw me face first on the bed, I would get a mouthful of a number of Ava’s toys left on the bed, with my luck it would be a lego right in the cornea! And start spanking me?
Oh no you did not my friend! *punches him straight in the nose*
…and then there’s the helicopter accident.
This man was in a helicopter. That crashed in the forest! C-r-a-s-h-e-d! Walks back into the building looking slightly dishevelled. A little blood on his brow… still looking hot. And what does he want to do first thing? Pomp. They pomp!
Aint nobody got time for that!!
I’m in a helicopter that crashes and a) I’m going to look like I was dragged through a bush, and b) I am going to be yelling at Dale to be spraying Deep Heat all up in my grill, and to mind my broken fucking elbow. NOT wanting to bump uglies in the shower!
You come at me with your one-eyed-snake after a near death experience and it’s getting snapped in half.
…all I have really learnt from this post is that my husband does not have it easy. And that he should really work harder. For a billion bucks I might allow a little bit of spanking…
(And from Dalekins perspective, he’s still stuck on the very first line from this post… my wife is in her sexual prime…?! Since when..?)